California legal system gives convicted rapist consensual slap on wrist

SAN JOSE, CA21-year-old convicted rapist Brock Turner was released early from jail this morning for atrocious behaviour. According to the Santa Clara County Sherriff's Department, California's legal system had been making repeated and suggestive remarks to Turner indicating it wanted to lightly slap his wrist. Today, Turner eagerly and unequivocally consented to the activity, and walked free.

"I've been really attracted to Brock's wrist for some time now," California's warped concept of justice explained with a flirtatious smile. "I'd been sending him subtle signals for months victim blaming, whacking the complainant, perpetuating rape culture, expressing more concern about the Brock's future than the future of the woman he raped behind a dumpster whatever it took! Todayhe finally let me go for itand believe me,we're both feeling pretty great about the whole thing."

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Turner says he's been acutely aware of the legal system's desires for some time and was excited and intrigued by the idea of having the lower part of his forearm "not even really slapped at all more like gently stroked with that endangered eagle feather I stole from the natural history museum when I was 15. Can't explain why I did that. Just felt entitled to it," he shrugs.

Turner says that today's long-awaited wrist slap was everything he'd fantasized it would be.

"It was perfect," he explains. "Delicate. Loving, even. So respectful of the harrowing ordeal I've had to endure."

"Consenting to that wrist slap was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I'm definitely an authority on making good decisions," he added confidently. "The best part is that I had the option to consent or not consent. That part was totally up to me. I get to decide who does what to my wrist. Some people wanted to do more painful things to me, but I told them no, this is what I'm comfortable with. And they listened!"

Several weeks before Turner's release, prison psychologist Dr. Allan Bamford assigned him mandatory reading on sexual assault awareness. Bamford says Turner has only finished reading half of an extremely short sentence but "it's fine."

With files from Chris Howden

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