Nine years and 15 jobs the endless cycle is eating at my confidence

This First Person article is written by Merina Shrestha, a gig economy worker trying to find a permanent job in Calgary. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please seethe FAQ.

The sky is still golden pink when I catch the bus and then the train to downtown Calgary a new job, a new beginning.

But at the second stop, a familiar sign catches my eye. It's on the building where I worked my first job inan administrative position to get my foot in the door as a new immigrant to Canada.

It's also a grim reminder. There have been so many new beginnings that sometimesI feel I'm going in circles.

This is my ninth year in Canada my dream country and my 15th job in a row. I feel I am still scrambling to put my best foot forward. With every contract that ends, my heart sinks, my confidence plunges, and my anxiety grows.I wasn'tprepared for how much of the labour market in Canada is based on this precarious work or the gig economy.

When I first moved to Canada from Nepal, I knew I would have to start with a basic entry-level job and work hard to get re-established. Back home, with a business degree, I was an officer in an international not-for-profit organization. After I landed in Calgary, I worked in a couple of retail shops becauseI saw it as a valuable learning experience and a way to get my start.

I took training in Canadian employment skills through a local non-profit and got an unpaid placement at a local IT company with the promise of job experience. But at the end of my three-month contract, the firmsimply said I did an excellent job and gave me a nice farewell. My manager said there was no permanent role for meand that she was sorry to let me go.

I was disappointed. A colleague told me they were undera hiring freeze, but was that just an excuse?In my heart, I felt I must have done a good job, but not good enough to be hired.

Still working part-time in retail, I knocked on several doors and landed a new assignment as an accounting assistant with a large oil and gas company. My excitement knew no bounds. My job was to help them transition to a new accounting system, a role I felt like I grasped quickly.

But after six or seven months, work started to recede. As the oil and gas industry went through a downturn, I was again let gowith the promise that if they had work in the future, the companywould contact me.

I must have done a good job, but not good enough to be hired.- MerinaShrestha

Another great job, another reference but I was again starting all over. The setbacks and frustrations never end.

Sometimes I worry that I can't find a permanent jobbecause I'm an immigrant.At multipleinterviews, I'm questioned about my ability to speak English. All through school and work in Nepal, English has been the means of communication. I took for granted that I communicate well. Suddenly, I'm doubting my ability to speak the language.

It has an impact on my family and my confidence.

For the first six years we were in Canada, my family lived in the basement of an old house in northwest Calgary. I felt helpless, watching my kids staring at the ceiling, with no fresh air and little sunlight, until finally the stability my husband found in his career allowed us to qualify for a mortgage.

Thanks to my reputation and the kind words of my supervisors, I've never spent more than a month off work.

But sometimes I get exasperated. I came here in my mid-30s, and I'm still struggling into my 40s. I feel like I am on an endless cycle of quality control in a warehouse.

I know I'm not alone experiencing this. Almost two million Canadians worked in the gig economy in 2019, taking short-term contracts or doing shift work for platforms like Uber, according to Statistics Canada. Immigrants make up a large share of these workers.

And beyond the gig economy, even more Canadians have "precarious" work temporary, part-time or seasonal jobs, often making minimum wage.

Each time a job ends, I try to remind myself that I am continuing to grow and learning to fit in here, so all is not lost. But at the same time, I ask myself, how long can I cope with this uncertainty? Do I have the resilience and patience to keep going through these circles?

I wonder if doing more homework or accessing more training before immigration would have helped me integrate better, and if Canada and the organizations using this temporary labour are providing enough support and security. Are we expendable individuals to let go on a whim?

For now, I am taking it one day at a time. If I am working on a particular day, if my family is settled, and if our basic needs are being met, that is a good day.

Telling your story

As part of our ongoing partnership with the Calgary Public Library,CBC Calgary is running in-person writing workshopsto support community members telling their own stories. Read more from this workshop, runout of the Quarry Park Library.

To find outmore, suggest a topic or volunteer a community organization to help host,email CBC producer Elise Stolteor visitcbc.ca/tellingyourstory.