'Break the taboo,' say mothers coping with pregnancy loss

Two local moms want to break the taboo surrounding miscarriages by urging people to talk to them about the babies they lost.

"It's really a beautiful thing to hear somebody else say Grayson's name," says 34-year-old Nicole Kosmynka, who lost her son 33 weeksinto pregnancy.

Last week, the family lit candles in honour of Grayson and all babies that have passed away too soon, as part of the Wave of Light held every Oct. 15 during Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Awareness Month.

In turn, friends ofKosmynkacontactedher to say they too lit candles in honour of Grayson.

"It was really special... Even though hewas only here a short time, he made quite an impact on the world," said Kosmynka, who has athree-year-old daughter Delia.

Out of the dark

The Airdrie mother wants more people to talk about infant loss so that families aren't left alone and "in the dark".

Around 450 families access griefcounselingservices at Calgary's Foothills Hospital every year to help them cope with miscarriages.

Kosmynka now sportsa large tattoo on her arm, with a clock that marks the exact time ofGrayson's birth and death.

"I wanted it in a place that was very visible so people could ask me," she says.

Like Kosmynka, Calgary mother Heather Erickson says even though it might bring back painful memories, it means so much to have people remember her lost child.

"Whenever people mention Nathan, it makes me happy because he was my son," says Erickson, who lost Nathan at 30 weeks into her pregnancy in February 2010.

Every year, the Ericksons have a birthday party for Nathan. Each of his four siblings gets to blow out a candle in his memory.

The family also puts out a Christmas stocking for Nathan and ornaments on the tree.

"Everyone needs to cope the way they need to... For us, that's what we have to do," saysErickson, 34.

'Dream never dies'

Alberta Health Services provides mothers who have lost babies with a memento kit donated by volunteers. The box holds a castingof the infant's hands and feet, a lock of hair, and a certificate of birth.

"Families really want to mark the birth of their child, not just that they've lost a child," says Nadine Tobin, AHSmanager of Women's Heath Ambulatory Care.

Twice ayear,AHS also holds a 'Silent Hopes'memorial service where the babies' remains are interred in a ceremonyto help families process their grief.

"It's like losing a child at any age... that dream, that hope never completely dies. Once you have that, you can't kill it."

Tobin says friends should acknowledge the loss of a baby like any other member of the family, and not dismiss it with comments like 'you can try again' or 'don't worry, it happens all the time'.