Winnipeg teen reaches out to others thinking of killing themselves

Just say"Help."

That's what St. Vital teenager Lexie Howika wants teens thinking of suicide to do.

The 15-year-old has tried to kill herself three times.

Howika was sexually assaulted by two boys when she was just 12 years old.Her assailants were the same age.

But she also believes she suffered from depressionbefore that, when at 10 years old in Grade 4 she started having "random thoughts" about killing herself.

Howika kept the assault and her depressiona secret from everyone, including her parents, until last year.

"The day [the sexual assault] happened, I felt bad. I felt like I had done something wrong and I was dirty and gross. I kept it in for a long time," she told CBC's Marcy Markusa on Information Radio.

But nowshe's turning the tables.

She's made a video that is eerily similar to the one made by B.C. teen Amanda Todd, whose video about how she was blackmailed into exposing herself online went viral after her death.

• Amanda Todd suspect Aydin Coban writes open letter proclaiming innocence
• Amanda Todd stood up to stalker in Facebook conversation
• Stalking Amanda Todd: The Man in the Shadows

Howika's video has already been shared more than 6,000 times.

'What happens if I telland they don't care?'

Howika kept the sexual assault a secret for two years.

"I think the reason I kept it in for so long was, what happens if I tell Mom and Dad and they don't care? Then where do I go from there? I'll probably justkill myself. It's those types of thoughts what if they just call it drama? I was constantly worried about that. It was frightening to me," she said.

Howika said she was very depressed last year, because the boys who assaulted her were still around.She had trouble getting through the school day.

Her mother, Leona, said she noticed Lexie was losing weight, but chalked it up to her competive dancing.

Then finally, after two years of dealing with the sexual assault on her own, the teen told her parents.

Her mother had had no idea.

"None, none at all," Leona said.

"We just thought that she was spending a lot of time in her room. She was having trouble sleeping but it was pretty typical teenage behaviour, and we have a really chaotic household. We have six children, so if one of them is going to hide in their room for a little bit, it's just to get away from everybody else.I sort of brushed it off, and now looking back, she was dealing with some pretty dark things that we had no clue about. I think, in general, as parents, we're not tuned in, even though we think we are. We're really wrapped up in our own lives and she hid it very well."

"Anyone who knows me knows that I am very happy. I'm excited. I'm outgoing. I'm bubbly. I'm just all of thatso it's very easy for me to hide things and I'm a good actress that way," Lexie said.

Lexie by this time was getting professional help and counselling.

"When we first found out about depression, we didn't know anything about the assault," said Leona. "It was like peeling back the layers of an onion. [The assault] came out two months after the process started. We were just like, 'This explains a lot.'"

Lexie told her, "'Mom, I have a secret. You don't even know how embarrassed I am about what has happened.' And she told me. It was very difficult to hear," Leona said.

'I will help you. Your parents will help you'

But it was only after she told her parents that Lexie attempted suicide by overdosing with pills, most recently last month.She also made attempts in November last yearand in February this year.

"I was facing a lot with the boys who sexually assaulted me and I was severely depressed. A lot of the time I would go to school and have to come home because I couldn't handle seeing certain people or hearing certain things," she said.

Seeing the impact one of those overdoses had on her siblings hit her hard, she said and she still struggles.

"I regret it as soon as it happens," Lexie said. "What I have to remember when I'm in that moment is,when I came out of the bathroom stall after taking so many pills, my brothers were just bawling. As siblings,you're always fighting with them.It was really hard seeing my brothers like that and my six-year-old sister."

Her family, her own strengthand her best friend saved her life, Lexie said.

"No matter how much I struggle and no matter how bad I do or in the moments where I can't think of anybody else but myself, they are always there. They're my superheroes," she said.

Instead of pursuing the boys who assaulted her legally, Lexie chose mediation.She confronted them and found closure.

Amanda Todd, and her video, have had a huge influence on her and the courseshe's now taking, she said.

"It took me a while to say'Help,' and in Amanda Todd's case I don't want to say anything to upset anyone but I feel like if she was here today, she would be giving the same message."

Lexie's video uses the same technique Todd did:a series of flash cards to tell her story.

"My whole message in the video is, just say 'Help.' I will help you. Your parents will help you. Say 'Help.'"

If you need help:Manitoba Suicide Line1-877-435-7170toll free 24 hours or reasontolive