15-year N.B. veteran on PTSD: 'You kind of have to mourn yourself'

Sylvette Paulin,now retired from the military,had an incredibly difficult job to do in Afghanistan.

Back in 2006, as a movement co-ordinator for the Armed Forces in Kandahar, it was herjob toship thebelongings of her fallen comrades back home to Canada.

Throughout her service overseas, from August 2006 to March 2007, Canada lost 19 soldiers.

"It's pretty difficult. I remember my first time, when these five soldiers died and they brought their personal belongings, and I opened the boxwhen I open it, it's always pictures of their kids," said Paulin.

It's difficult when you come back because you've seen things and it changes you.- Sylvette Paulin

"I was just crying. It's a brother."

Paulin, 41,says the air base in Kandahar was a difficult place to live. She and her fellow soldiers constantly anticipatedattackby Taliban forces.

"It's at night, so you can hear it. It's a whistle. It's the same as the movies."

Memories of her service continue to haunt Paulin. She says she needs to prepare herself to attend Canada Day celebrations because the fireworks trigger her post-traumatic stress disorder.

She has trouble sleeping and her temper is short.

Paulin was diagnosed in 2011 and retired from the forces two years later.

"It's difficult when you come back because you've seen things and it changes you," said Paulin,

"You kind of have to mourn yourself, the person you used to be. Because that person doesn't exist anymore."

She now lives with her children in Dunlop, near Bathurst, on a wooded property, away from noise and stress.

Paulin spends time with her two dogs and avoids conflict situations to keep her condition in check.

"Sometimes it's like a rage for no apparent reason. I'm not patient at alland then it's time for me to go for a walk and I breathe. My kids know."

Paulin suffered an injury to her shoulder during her service, but she says the invisible scars are far harder to live with, and she hopes public recognition of PTSD will grow.

However, she says if she had the chance to do things over,she would choose the same path.

"You always have that respect, but it's even bigger once you went over there. It's even bigger now, because you know."