AZ and me: The vaccination thoughts of a fellow from Mistaken Gut

This column is satire by Edward Riche, a St. John's novelist, playwright and screenwriter. For more information about CBC's Opinion section, please see the FAQ.

Orv Fudge of Mistaken Gut on Newfoundland's northeast coastis expressing disappointment with having received the AstraZeneca-Oxford COVID-19 vaccine and not, like many of his neighbours, the vaccine manufactured by Pfizer.

"I knew someting was wrong,b'y, 'orribly wrong, there the weekend. And yes sir, sure enough, comes news Monday Bill and Melinda Gates are callin' 'er quits. Marital turbulence was after shagging up me AZ signal."

Mr. Fudge asserts that as an "analog" vaccine;the AstraZeneca is providing him with poorer reception than would a "digital" vaccine like Pfizer or Moderna.

"All hands in the Gut got the digital vaccines and a boatload of nanobots. Every manjack is now a fully operational 5G antenna. All they got to do now is kick back, close dere eyes and stream Netflix. Hubert down the way says he wakes up every morning and it's like Paddy Daly is right dere, in bed wit' he."

He continued: "Where me shack is right down be the water I gets nudding. I got to go up on the hill by the church to get a bit of old static."

Mr. Fudge added, "I knows mRNA jabs are not without woes. Vida says she can hear me dirty thoughts and George says he can't sleep at all because of he's binge-thinking Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

Mr. Fudge jumped at the opportunity to get the AstraZeneca vaccine when surplus doses were offered to those between 55 and 69. He feels now that decision was premature and that his reasoning might have been clouded by a head injury that was the indirect result of the pandemic.

"I was in to Costco, and sure Dannistan is cheek by jowl to the 'Pearl Cluster,' so I was quadruple-masking and gets oxygen-deprived and passes out. Hits me head on a seven-gallon bottle of pickled mushrooms on the way down. After dat, b'y, I said I'd take anything they would put in me.

"If I listened to me sister, I'd have nar 'noculation. But sure she's nuts."

Might have been the bottled moose

Mr. Fudge's sisterShawna Fudge-Jesso lives in Corner Brook and insists that vaccines are harmful to humans.

"She's agin all of 'em, all vaccines. No time for Pfizer, Moderna, AZ. To have 'er on, I told 'er I was getting' the Sputnik jab and she called to SPCA to have me dogs taken from me. She's all into the Stone Age Diet, purges, cleanses and scurryfungings, natural dis and dat. But she's hove off in Corner Brook in the biggest kind of house, all mod cons, heated floors. Don't see 'er takin' a shit in da woods. She channels Beothuk but we're Church of England as far back as anyone can recall. We can't even talk about the Jesus lake."

That shagger will kill ya.

Mr. Fudge contends his sister "got crazy ideas at university up on the mainland" where she learned that ideas emerging from the Enlightenment were inherently evil. "She did well at university, but she isn't that bright," added Mr. Fudge.

Other than poor reception, Orv Fudge says he has experienced no serious side effects from the AstraZeneca vaccine. "Me bird is fine. Little 'off' the day after I got stuck but that might have been the bottled moose or the homebrew. Three days later, I fell down the well but that was on account of me new boots. I was good enough a week later to go after the seals."

• Humourous takes on COVID and pokes at the powerful: Read more columns by Edward Riche

Mr. Fudge says he considered taking the matter up with Health Minister John Haggie but decided against as, "I can't understand half of what he says wit' he's queer accent."

Regardless of his dissatisfaction with his choice of vaccine Mr. Fudge is pleased he got one. "I might be missing out on the benefits of having Bill and Melinda Gates nanobots in me system but I'm relieved I have some protection against the COVID.

"That shagger will kill ya."

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