Jonathan Hannaford speaks out about anxiety, escaping to woods

There has been a lot said this week so I feel I need to give my side of what happened. I understand now a little bit more, so I might as well embrace it and tell.

First off I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who helped my family in this time of need. You have no idea how much all of your efforts have impacted my family , my friends, myself and even this province. One thing I always took pride in as a Newfoundlander is that we stick together when times get rough. The day I went missing was honestly one of the worst days of my life. As you all know by now I do have anxiety , depression and other issues that make it hard for me to deal with things like normal people. I always have the best intentions at heart but things just don't seem to work out for me. I have made choices in the past that have held me back so many times that it almost feels hopeless for me to be a regular person. I know in my heart I am a good person and I just wish I could believe other people feel the same. Everyday is like a war in my head to try to find my way back to that kid who fished three island pond with his dad and his brother without a care in the world. I miss that guy!

A little over a week ago something in me snapped and I lost it, I could not be the person I was anymore. I just wanted to escape this never ending cycle. I took it out on the people that care about me most. After leaving home with everything I own, I made a plan to stay with a friend, sell my car and get an apartment. After that...... to me there was no chance of going back. I said a lot of unforgettable things. After arriving at my friends house I realized within an hour of being there it was not a place that would benefit me and my future. I knew I had to leave before I made it all worse.

When I got back in my car and left I really started to realize how much I messed up and that there was no where I could go. I had no money and a lot of anger toward myself and this world. I thought to myself "Who would want me staying at there house." I started to want the easy way out. I got on the highway and just drove with no destination. As the tears started to roll down my cheek, my mustang, out of no where, just broke down. At that moment I felt cursed and hopeless. I had no phone, no money, no car, I felt I had no family, no friends. I didn't want to be alive. The girl I loved was with another man and happy, job interviews we're starting to get embarrassing as I had no references. I had unresolved issues with my brother's passing that haunted me, I lost trust in everyone I knew and felt I would be forgotten. I felt I had a big heart but I could not control myself.

I left my car and headed into the woods with no intentions of anyone ever seeing me again. At that moment I didn't know it but I had to have an angel watching over me because my car had broke down next to one of the biggest trails in the city . I said when I got to the end of the trail I would end the pain. Somehow the trail just didn't end which is probably one of the reasons I am able to even write this letter now. I walked for hours and hours till my feet were sore. I had brought a small amount of stuff with me in case I overcame my feelings which then seemed impossible. I ran into a very nice guy somewhere close to Windsor Lake he offered me a ride to a spot he liked to go which made me feel a little better. He dropped me off at Three pond and went on his way. It was nice to be by the water and that is where I had planned to camp for the last time. I set up camp boiled some water and picked some berries for supper. That night was very hard and I would rather not go into detail as to what happened.

By the following morning one thing was for sure, the love I had for my son got me though the night. It was then I really started to think how selfish it would be to leave him but I was still having them thoughts. I grabbed what I had and thought of the movie "Into the Wild" withEmileHirsch and I remembered how happy he was to just get away from everything and live off the land. I had no intentions to return unless I got my head straight. I did not really know how the press used the word "wander" but that's exactly what I did. I walked for miles and miles that day till my muscles ached. It rained that night and by morning I knew I had some fight left in me. A couple of days passed and I knew if I wanted to make it out here in the wild I knew I would have to have a sleeping bag, a water container and some lighters.

That last night was so cold I just couldn't take it. I devised a plan to walk out of the woods to the airport which was open 24/7 and was warm. I wanted so much to be with my son and my family so I called my Dad and let him know that I wanted him to get my car and was sorry for calling him so late. I told him that I was going through a lot and maybe need some more time to spend by myself and get everything together. He cried soon as he heard my voice and said "where have you been? the whole world is looking for you" He told me to wait there till the police arrived and they would tell me what happened. I felt bad by then, so I waited.

The police arrived and showed me aFacebookgroup and the love and support I had received. I could not believe there were actually so many people looking for me. After that I was in shock and started to feel like I made a mistake. They took me to the hospital to get assessed. By the time I got home and heard what had transpired I didn't want to go back to the woods. I truly feel God ,an Angel , My brother or something was watching over me. I was done... but something kept me going. Depression and Anxiety should never be taken lightly, but there are thousands of people who die every year from taking there own life. They need to find help no matter what the problem is, never be afraid to take that step toward a better future.

I wish I could do so many things different but this is me and I'm just thankful right now to still be here. When I held my son in my arms after all this ordeal I knew as long as I live I will not let this happen again. I'm going to get the proper help I need to deal with all of the things I keep bottled up. In the past I turned to drugs and liquor so many times but it only makes you feel good in the moment and all that stuff you keep bottled up inside you only grows and gets worse till one day your living in the woods and everyone probably thinks your crazy, but it's a very serious thing to feel hopeless and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Anyone out there who feels hopeless I just want to say, keep fighting, be strong and find what you want in life and don't let anything stop you from getting it. Try not to mask your feelings as I felt I had done.

I would like to thank everyone who searched for me over the last week and I'm sorry for any pain I caused .

I am so very glad that I am alive and to be able to get some help with my anxiety & depression. When all this is better for me, I would like to help other people. .

In conclusion i think it was probably better that nobody found me because in the end I needed to find myself in those last few days alone.

Thank you again.