'Divorce coach' says put your kids first

Parenting after a divorce can be a painful process, but a divorce coach says great post-divorce parenting is important for your childrens well-being.

Deborah Moskovitch has three children. When she and her partner divorced, the children were aged one, three and seven.

Even in a situation of high conflict, you can do it. It requires maturity, it requires patience and sometimes it requires looking the other way, she told the CBCs Maritime Noon. Most importantly, its about putting your childrens best interests first.

She says things like living arrangement, financial support and divided time can all be problems as families find new ways forward.

Moskovitch, who wrote The Smart Divorce, lived separately in the same house with the other parent for a full year.

• Listen to the full interview on Maritime Noon

Her divorce taught her that if parents get caught up in the emotions, kids get caught in the middle.

Kids were the pawns, in terms of: If you dont give me this, Im not going to give you that. And that means youre not going to see the kids, or youre not going to get the child support on time, she says.

Moskovitch says a divorcing couple likely have different philosophies on raising kids. Those will become bright red lines of contention.

She says lawyers are often drafted in to help resolve disputes, but specialized social workers tend to be trained for dealing with emotional conflicts. It keeps you out of the courts and saves money, too.

Show your kids how to be grownups

Youre the role models and youre modelling how to handle conflict. If youre showing them that mom and dad really cant speak, that theyre always yelling at each other, or theyre arguing, its not good role modelling for your children, Moskovitch says.

Some co-parents work best in face-to-face communications, but for others, that brings up old arguments. In those cases,Moskovitch sayscommunicating by email or phone works better.

For email, she recommends not dumping five or six messages in one email and making sure you keep a neutral or pleasant tone.

You're the role models and you're modelling how to handle conflict.- Deborah Moskovitch

Just stay focused and stay factual, she advises.

Start thinking of you and your ex as co-parents, with the children at the centre, rather than as a divorced couple with kids.

Moskovitchdoesnt recommend remaining in the same house unless its a financial necessity, as it confuses the issue for children and gives them false hope that the parents will get back together.