Suspended Halifax lawyer Lyle Howe sobs during testimony

Suspended defence lawyer Lyle Howe broke down and sobbed as he testified Tuesday in his own defence at his disciplinary hearing in Halifax.

As he tried to explain to a Nova Scotia Barristers' Society panel his motivation for taking on large numbers of clients, he said he grew up in a small apartment.

"My dad wasn't always there," he said, before starting to sob. He wasgivencouple of minutes to compose himself.

"I wanted to provide a drastically different life for my kids than what I had," he said when he regained his composure.

Howe saidhe's a much different person than he was earlier in his career.

"The ambition has been beat out of me," he said."I know I'm not perfect but I don't deserve this."

The Nova Scotia Barristers' Society has accusedHoweof professional misconduct and professional incompetence. The lawyer is testifying in his own defence several days this week and again next week.

Howesays he would leave if he could

Howe has maintained throughout his disciplinaryhearing that he is held to a higher standard than other lawyers. He has saidthe only difference between him and others is that he is black, and that other lawyers with similarexperience are not subject to the same scrutiny.

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He said if he could, he would just pack up his kids and leave. But Howe's licence to practice law has been suspended since Sept. 1. That suspension still applies, even if he were to leave Nova Scotia.

Howe started his testimony Monday with a somewhat dispassionate, point-by-point response to specific allegations against him. But it wasn't long before Howe's emotions bubbled to the surface.

"I feel that any slip-up on my part could be fatal," Howe told the three-member panel hearing the case.

Denies taking swing at inmate

He angrily denied specific allegations that have been levelled against him. He said he did not take a swing at an inmate in the basement cells at the provincial court on Spring Garden Road in Halifax.

Howe was charged in the incident but the Crown eventually withdrew the charge. Howe said he should neverhave been charged in the first placebecause security video from the cells area clearly showed no crime.

Howe also denied he threatened a prosecution witness. A Dartmouth Crown attorney accused Howe of extortion after he asked to question a Crown witness.

Howe said he didn't threaten the witness and the Crown's allegation embarrassed him. He said of all the allegations he's faced at the disciplinaryhearing, thisis the most upsetting to him. He said it was only possible because of what he described as the "lynch mob mentality" towards him in Dartmouth court.

Denies sexual assault

Howe also told the panel he didn't sexually assault anyone or administer a noxious substance. Howe faced both those charges arising from an incident in March2011. Howe was found guilty of sexual assault following a jury trial, but the conviction was overturned on appeal.

Howe said he doesn't feel he ever crossed an ethical line in any of his actions, but admitted there's been points in the past where he gotcloserthe line than he would today. He said he's learned it's not worth the grief to keep pushing and he's tired of always having to explain himself.

Howe is expected to be the last witness for the defence and the panel hopes to complete public hearings by the end of this month so it can begin working on a final report for delivery in 2017.

The CBC's Blair Rhodes waslive bloggingfrom the hearing.