Ottawa imam tests positive for COVID-19 twice

This First Person story is told in the words ofMajed Jarrar, an Ottawa imam and father.For more information about CBC's First Person series, please see the FAQ.

Being an imam involves a lot of chaplaincy. We visit the sick. We help with the burial of the deceased. We visit prisons. We do counselling.

When COVID hit, imams were keeping all the social distancing rules. We wore [personal protective equipment] and were super protective. We limited our numbers.

But over this past year, I tested positive for COVID-19. Twice.

The first time came in late October, after we were preparing for Friday prayer at the Ottawa Mosque, around the time of the second wave. I was wearing a face shield, mask and gloves, but I got a fever and chills and started coughing. I isolated immediately and did what [Ottawa] Public Health asked.

I couldn't even walk into the building toget tested. I had to be pushed in a wheelchair.

Eventually, just going up the stairs became a burden,my heart was racing so much. I called Telehealth and they advised me to go to the hospital.

'Everybody was in pain'

I used to deep-sea dive, and it felt like when you're below 15 metres and there's so much pressure on your chest except it's constant. Over the next 10days I went to the hospital four times, three of them in an ambulance.

One time, there were so many patients inside the emergency room paramedics couldn't even bring me inside. My stretcher was left between the double glass doors of the entrance for more than halfanhour.

I've never seen the hospital look so bad. There was screaming. There was moaning. I cannot imagine how nurses and doctors were feeling those days. Everybody was in pain.

• Hospital staff bracing for the worst as ICU beds fill up

It reminded me of field hospitals back in the Middle East when I volunteered during the Iraq war, where I saw doctors so stressed, they have to pick and choose which patients to treat. It was a traumatic experience to see how fragile the whole emergency department became.

Entire family infected

I did not know how fast the virus could spread. I live with my wife, three children and my mother.Within five days all my family members got symptoms and everybody tested positive.

It was a terrible feelingbecause my main job in the community is helping people. And then to bring harm to my own family? That's one of the worst fears of anyone working in social services.

It made me very distraught and angry at myself. I felt like I failed my family because I didn't protect them from my community activities. But thankfully, their symptoms weren't as bad as mine.

After that I took a break for about two months and left my full-time job as an imam.

2nd positive test

This past March,I was feeling good. I had taken all the necessary precautions, so I decided to return to volunteer and give a Friday sermon.

Then I started feeling symptoms again.I was at homeandstarted to feel a chill. I thought maybe I should get some tea.Within 15 minutes, I'm out of the chair crawling on the floor to get a blanket and shivering like I had the flu.

I kept telling myself, no,it cannot be COVID, I didn't come near anyone. But the symptoms just kept getting worse. I isolated, got tested and 24 hours later, I tested positive again.

This time, at least I didn't need to go to the hospital, and my family all tested negative.

Now it is Ramadan and I'm just coming out of quarantine. I haven't actually been to the mosque since the beginning of the holy month.

Usuallyduring this time I would be preaching to others. Buteven if you have a duty to your congregation to give them comfort, you can't help them if you can't keep your own family protected.

I have come to realize that though it is my religious duty to help, that can take the form of helping my family as well as the community. I pray that He watches over us, and that somebody else can step in to help.

It's a humbling experience to realize there is only so much I can do.

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