Man who admits to abusing partner discusses benefits of treatment

An Ottawa man who admits to emotionally and physically abusing his former partner says treatment has helped him accept responsibility for and own up to what he did.

Paul Arguin, 30, was with his former partner the mother of their child for 2 years. They've been separated for about 18 months.

"There was a lot of emotional abuse in the relationship," Arguin said.

"I was isolating. If there was somebody I didn't like her talking to, I would tell her not to talk to that person. Fights would escalate, to the point of screaming matches. I would threaten to leave her to try to get my own way."

I could have been a better person, I could have not been abusive, I could have stopped myself from doing what I did, and I didn't.- Paul Arguin

On two occasions, the abuse became physical when he shoved her.

Arguin was arrested and the court ordered him to undergo treatment at New Directions, a group counselling program for domestic abusers.

It changed his way of thinking, Arguin said.

"I just want to be accountable for it. I learned that getting my thoughts and what happened out in the open was the best way to look at it and really be able to start to work on it," he said.

"I was looking at what she was doing; the standard she's pushing my buttons, she drives me to do this. And I could have been a better person, I could have not been abusive, I could have stopped myself from doing what I did, and I didn't."

Arguin is in a new relationship now and uses the techniques he learned at New Directions when dealing with conflict, he said.

"I don't really get to the point where I feel I want to lash out at anybody anymore. I look at what I want to accomplish now," Arguin said. "Before I was always trying to win an argument or try to be be right, and now I just want to be happy."

New Directions works with about 600 clients each year

Mark Holmes co-founded New Directions 30 years ago.

The program deals with about 600 referrals each year, mainly via court orders. Only about 50 to 60 clients each year come voluntarily.

Ninety per cent of the clients are men.

Holmes said it's important for the men involved to be part of the solution for violence against women.

"As well as keeping women safe ... I also think it's important to address those who are committing the violence and committing the abusive behaviour, and assisting them to make better choices in their lives so that future partners, children, aren't going to be exposed to that behaviour any longer," Holmes said.

While the numbers of New Directions clients who re-offend is small, Holmes said, there's no way of knowing if the abuse continues behind closed doors.