How to build healthy relationship between grandparents, grandchildren

There's nothing more special than the relationship between a grandparent and grandchildren.

But often, issues can come up over rules and expectations, and what happens at home is sometimes different at thegrandparent's place.

If the rules aren't clear, that can cause problems and conflicts between all three generations.

Mainstreet's relationship columnist, Stacey MacKinnon, passed on some advice to Kerry Campbell and the listeners, on how to avoid those conflicts.

"The grandparent/grandchild relationship is really important, and if you've got the blessing of having them nearby, making the most of that opportunity of having the generations getting to know each other well is something that's priceless," said MacKinnon.

"But we do have to be really careful because we're talking about differences in ways of parenting, different approaches to having kids all the time, versus only having them a night or weekend, that can cause some friction in families if we aren't careful."

Communication is key

Like most things in relationships, the key is good communication right off the bat, said MacKinnon.

"Most of the time we assume that things are going to go in a particular way and then when they don't, somebody gets upset about it," she said. "We need to talk about what those important rules areahead of time.

"For example, bed time is always a challenge. I know when our little one goes off to Nana's house, she gets to stay up a little bit later. So we negotiated a reasonable one hour later rule for going to Nana's house. So she's not going to be overtired the next day, but she's had that treat of staying up a bit later.

"Same thing with snack foods and things, we have Nana chippies, that's the chips that you only get when you go to Nana's house, we don't have those at home."

So even though the rules are different, the child understands it's because of that special status, even if it's just a bowl of chips.

"Most kids will even tell you that if they have it at home, it doesn't taste the same, it doesn't taste right, because it's lost that specialness that it has for those occasions when you're at Grandma's house," said MacKinnon. "So part of this is making sure that those special things stay special."

Grandparents have rules too

It can go the other way too, as some grandparents have stricter rules. Then it's really important the grandchildren understand what to expect.

"That's where we really have to tread carefully, because you're talking about moving in on somebody else's lifestyle," said MacKinnon. "So for example, if your kids are up until whenever they decide to go to sleep at night, Grandma and Grandpa don't buy into that idea, then we have to negotiate a compromise that's going to work.

"You have to negotiate it between the adults, but you also have to explain it clearly to the kids, that things are different at Grandma and Grandpa's house."

MacKinnon said it should never be up to the kids to negotiate with the grandparents, that's something that should be figured out in advance by the adults.

"Every generation butts heads with the generation that came before it in terms of parenting practices in some way, shape or form," she said. "That comes down to respect. It comes down to knowing what your deal-breaker issues are. For example, spanking, nowadays, off the table, we don't do that."

Too much fun

There is always the issue of too much of a good thing too, and grandparents have to show respect to the parents on that end.

"There's nothing wrong with having extra fun at Grandma and Grandpa's house, that's a great thing to do, it's happy memories to be had," said MacKinnon. "But all things in moderation, you don't want to send home grandchildren who are wired on sugar and haven't slept in three days, because you certainly wouldn't appreciate having them sent to you in that way."

If you want that special relationship to form, a visit with a grandparent has to be a positive experience for everyone, and MacKinnon said it's the adult's job to make it positive, not the kids.

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