'There's no one size fits all': How to talk to kids about tragedy

People of this province and around the country continue to support thosewho weretouched by the Humboldt Broncos crash and Toronto van attack. Of those trying to help,many are kids.

Earlier this month, kids across the province put on sports jerseys for jersey day, and CBC heard from two eight-year-old students in Muskeg Lake Cree Nation who sold hot dogs and baking to raise $1,500 to donate to Humboldt.

• 2 Muskeg Lake students raise funds for Humboldt Broncos

• People all over Sask. sport jerseys in support of Humboldt Broncos

With the recent devastatingevents, and young people wanting to help, many parents are wondering about the best way to talk to kids about tragedies.

"There's no one size fits all when it comes to talking to kids," Dr.Phil RitchietoldCBCRadio'sBlue Skyon Thursday.

Ritchie is a psychologist who spent nearly two decades with the Tragic Events Response Team at the public school board in Ottawa andcurrently works with children and families at the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario.

"What works for one might not even work for that child's brother or sister," he said.

It's important for parents to talk to children at a level appropriate for their age, said Ritchie.

If they areyounger, parents should not provide too many details, as parents don't want to frighten young children unnecessarily.

For older kids, including teenagers,it's important to provide enough information so they know what happened, as people will likely be talking about it at school.

Regardless of age, Ritchie says it's imperativefor parents for be the primary source of support.

Understanding emotions as parents

It's important for parents to understand their own emotions abouta tragedy as well, says Ritchie.

"If as a parent, I'm looking sad or I'm crying, I want to tell my kid's what's going on," he said.

In order to do that, parents should teach kids how to talk about emotions and equip them with the language to do so, said Ritchie.

"Let's not wait until there's a tragedy to start discussing death and how we feel about it," said Ritchie.

According to Ritchie, kids will often ask the same question as adults when it comes to death and tragedy: "What can I do?"

"The important thing is to give them a sense and an opportunity to make a contribution," he said.

"It's an awful experience for us of any age to feel powerless, to feel helpless."

Being honest and open

If you don't know what to say, Ritchie recommends starting with, "Something really sad happened today, and I don't know how to talk to you about it," or something similar.

It's important to be honest and open with kids, he says.

"We don't have to be perfect in these conversations, we just have to do our best."

He says there isn't a wrong way to have the discussion, as long as there is an open dialogue and kids are encouraged to ask questions.

He says not talking about it can heighten anxiety for kids.

It's important for parents to find out how their kids are feeling when a tragedy happens, as well as afterwards, while teaching them to do the same for others, according toRitchie.

"We want to encourage that empathic response in our kids, that sensitivity to how others might be feeling, and at these difficult times sometimes we see some lovely, lovely things from our kids."

Funerals

Some people don't believe kidsshould attend funerals, saysRitchie, but he believes kids should have the opportunity to go.

However, parents should not force their kids to attend a funeral.

If they don't want to go, parents should talk to their kids about why they don't want to go.

Ritchiealso advises parents to offer another way of commemorating the deceasedif their child does not want to go to the funeral.

At the end of the day, Ritchie says it's important to get back to routine, especially for the town Humboldt.

"We need to get back to routine at some point. Taking down the memorial at the Humboldt arena is part of that. They need to get back to playing hockey there."