A bundle of trauma, a patchwork of healing

Shivering cold and sweating hot, Carole Rankin strained her neck to see her limp, newborn baby on her chest and screamed, Why isnt he crying? Why isnt he crying?

Her husband, Sean Fleming  an optimistic guy was having a different emotional reaction.

He would have popped a bottle of champagne, says Rankin, who lives in Halifax. He was just so unaware so happy and excited to be a dad.

Rankins water had broken hours before her labour started progressing, which caused an infection and a fever. Her baby also developed an infection during labour, his heart rate was elevated and his airway was blocked after swallowing meconium.

Now in the care of a medical team, the baby had started breathing and he was placed on Fleming's chest. The two were wheeled away to the neonatal intensive care unit while Rankin was being treated for her infection.

This chaotic scene was the culmination of Rankin's second pregnancy, and although she didnt know it yet the conception of Connecting Threads, a project that would inspire women around the world to share details of their own pregnancy and birth as a way to bring awareness to perinatal mental health. 

Rankins anxiety started long before her baby made his entrance into the world.

Every milestone that we hit, every ultrasound, I thought, this is when I'm going to feel better, this is when it's going to feel real, this is when it's going to feel like this is happening, she says.

And it never did. Not once.

She doesnt know if that worry is innate or the result of her first pregnancy, an ectopic when a fertilized egg implants and grows outside the uterus, typically in a fallopian tube that becomes at risk of rupturing. Ectopic pregnancies are never viable, and a rupture can lead to internal bleeding and be life-threatening. 

At the peak of COVID-19, Rankin, unaware of what was amiss, waited in an emergency room for eight hours in extreme pain.

After begging her husband to pick her up, Rankin left for 20 minutes and called her family doctor, who told her she likely had an ectopic pregnancy and to rush back to the hospital. When Rankin returned, she was triaged again.  

I bet you wish you hadn't left, she recalls a nurse telling her.

Now, after 40 weeks of growing a tiny human inside her body and nearly 40 hours of labour to get that tiny human out, a different nurse was in her face, reassuring her that her baby was OK, but reminding Rankin that she was sick herself.

She had gone to the hospital four times since her water broke at home, and each time was told she wasnt dilated enough and that she should go home, get comfortable, and perhaps try going for a walk.

I was like, they have no idea what level of pain I'm feeling, she says. I was crawling on my hands and knees around the house.

In her medical records, which Rankin applied for and acquired, a scribbled line reads Patient is frustrated with not being dilated.

As if I'm frustrated with myself. What I was frustrated with was not being admitted and taken seriously, says Rankin.

About seven hours after he was born, Rankin was wheeled to the NICU to meet Eddie Archie, who had an IV in his head, and other wires and contraptions that monitored his heart and breathing.

Rankin remembers her husband asking if their baby had brain damage and the nurse responding that it was a good question.

And she said, Well, you know, you were in labour for 40 hours, and I wanted to defend myself and [said], No, I wasn't. And I sat there and I counted the hours. And that was when I realized.

Rankin sobbed in her wheelchair as she was wheeled back to the postpartum unit.

There was no brain damage.

After five days in hospital, a happy and healthy Eddie Archie settled in at home, and, as many newborns do, caused sleepless nights and stress over breastfeeding.

After some followup appointments, Rankins doctor confirmed she did not have postpartum depression, but the new mother knew something was wrong. She soon learned she was living with birth trauma. 

At the end of 2022, when social media users wrapped up their year highlights, Rankin shared how the year brought her love, joy and gratitude, but it also brought her birth trauma. 

After posting her story on her Instagram page, which until then had mostly consisted of sewing-related content, notifications lit up on her phone from people who related to her story, and wanted to share their own stories around pregnancy, birth, trauma and loss. 

The hobby sewer came up with a plan: shed collect stories and bits of fabric to build a community quilt to create a safe space for women to share their perinatal mental health stories. She pitched the idea to Stephanie Domet, a writer, editor and teacher, who immediately saw immense value in the project and agreed to help bring Connecting Threads to life.

As stories poured in from across generations and across the globe, Domet copy edited them.

We really take childbirth and motherhood and all of that for granted because we all know someone who's done it, but it doesn't mean it's easy, says Domet. 

"Many people who have participated or who have asked us about participating will say, 'I'm not sure if I should tell my story. I don't know if it belongs. What happened to me wasn't that bad, right?' 

At the sewing table at Patch Halifax, a fabric shop and sewing workroom, women rip seams and cut material into strips.

Each piece of fabric has its own story colourful arm splints used by siblings who both needed surgery as infants; the shoulder and breast portion of a brown dress, torn from little hands grabbing at the breast; a bib of an infant who died nearly 20 years ago; a preemie-sized sleeper worn by a baby conceived using in vitro fertilization.

Rankin doesnt know the meaning behind every piece of fabric on the sewing table, but she holds them delicately, knowing they are more than bits of material.

Rankin's contribution was the dress shirt her husband wore and unbuttoned to provide skin-to-skin contact with Eddie Archie the day he was born.

This shirt feels complicated because it was the time that I missed, she says.

I love those photos of my husband with Eddie Archie, and he was so excited and happy, and I just think of their relationship when I see this shirt.

Around a sewing table, some of the women talk about their birthing experience and their own children, and when Rankin pieces together the first square of the quilt, everyone cheers. 

According to the most recent data from Statistics Canada, almost one-quarter of mothers experience either postpartum depression or an anxiety disorder in the months following birth. 

The percentage results were highest in Nova Scotia, and were above the national average in Prince Edward Island and Newfoundland and Labrador, too. 

Social worker Abigail Barth says having a traumatic birth doesnt always mean a person will have postpartum depression, but often comes with feelings of shame and guilt. Birth trauma can be caused by a variety of experiences, and that range can be seen in the personal essays of Connecting Threads. 

Even when you're trying to tell your stories to friends or family, they can be dismissed and people are told to be grateful that their baby survived, says Barth.

As a society and throughout history, we tend to see the suffering of women and birthing people not only expected but necessary."

In April, Rankin revealed the finished quilt and her experience to a room of health-care professionals at the IWK Health Centre's Birth Con event in Halifax, a conference with an aim to improve physical and psychological birth outcomes.

People were very emotional in the room, people were extremely engaged I have no doubt that people were really taking it seriously.

She also shared how months earlier, during the process of compiling stories and fabric, her third pregnancy ended in miscarriage. She then shared how she is currently pregnant for the fourth time, with a due date in fall 2024.

The first 12 weeks of pregnancy have been difficult extreme nausea, days she hasnt been able to keep any food down, and then a bout of hand, foot and mouth disease that caused a fever. 

"Of course I have a negative association with a fever and what that can do to a little baby inside of you, and just the anxiety was brought back to the surface, says Rankin.

It makes you realize how much of this trauma is just sitting at the edge.

The community quilt doesn't yet have a permanent home, but Rankin hopes it will eventually be on display for all to see. She hopes the quilt, and all the stories it represents, helps raise awareness about perinatal mental health so that experiences around births are talked about, validated and understood. 

I really do have everyone's stories and experiences right top of mind and heart, says Rankin. 

Its brought me a lot of comfort because I realize how much people are going through in silence and that theyre able to get through, and that no matter what happens to me in this journey, I am not alone."

Writer: Caroline Hillier | Copy editor: Melanie Patten  | Layout: Elizabeth McMillan