6 Responses When your Child says ‘I Hate You’

There are three little words that, when spoken by your child, cuts through your heart like a dagger: “I hate you.” Almost every kid, at some time or another, blurts out this searing sentence, and you suddenly find yourself searching for a response in your sad, shocked, dumbfounded state.

We all know that kids don’t have a filter, and most experts agree that when a child says “I hate you,” they’re just acting in a moment of emotion without understanding the weight of the word “hate.” This is especially true of toddlers/preschoolers who are just learning words as well as their meanings — every day they hear the word “hate” to express a dislike toward something (“I hate traffic”), and they haven’t yet figured out all of the different ways to express their current frustration.

For slightly older school-aged children, who have a better understanding of the phrase “I hate you,” a more direct approach may be required to deal with the situation.

So what do you say in response when your child says “I hate you”? First things first: don’t take it personally. It can be really hard to do, but in the end, we all know that your child doesn’t actually hate you. We asked parents and experts for a few suggestions on how to deal with the “I hate you” battle — see which one fits your family.

“You must be really upset right now.”

Acknowledge your child’s frustration, but not the words themselves. For this rebuttal, the words don’t matter as much as the message behind them. Recognizing that your child is struggling is the first step, some experts say, in getting to the root of the problem. Help your child to identify the actual emotion they are feeling (they don’t really hate you, they may just hate the situation or the emotions that they’re currently enduring). Acknowledgement could give them enough understanding that they can calm down and revaluate how they feel.

“Let’s say ‘I don’t like you’ instead.”

A lot of parents will revert their children away from “hate” with a “don’t like.” Hate can be a pretty strong word, especially out of a tiny mouth, and while it may be the first word that comes to mind to label their feelings of frustration or anger, you can give them a new phrase to use instead. Once things have calmed down later, you can sit down with your child and explain why we don’t say “hate.”

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“Hate is a very hurtful word.”

Moms and dads will often point out the harshness of “hate” in those first few moments after the child has blurted, “I hate you.” Identifying it as something that hurts your own feelings may just reset the situation — most kids don’t want to hurt mommy and daddy’s feelings, and explaining how “hating” can actually make you feel sad may flip the situation around.

You may also want to delve into this explanation of what the word “hate” means without putting them down. Some child experts have pointed out that there’s a silver lining to a child saying “I hate you” — it means that they feel comfortable enough with you to completely express this emotion in all its raw connotations. By shaming the child for using a strong word, you may deter them from coming to you with their emotions the next time. Approach the explanation of “hate” in a calm, understanding way.

Say nothing. Do nothing. At first.

Your child belts out “I hate you,” and instead of responding, you have a brief break in the conversation. Maybe you walk away and let them collect themselves. A younger child won’t totally understand the silence, but an older child who is aware of the faux pas may just regroup in that moment of stillness. However, you don’t want to leave the situation hanging in limbo — after a few minutes, regroup and talk about the situation.

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“You need some time to yourself.”

Again, if your child is a bit older, nothing will be resolved properly in the heat of the moment, so maybe everyone needs to just take a quick time-out. Time to reflect. Time to revaluate what just took place. And it’s not just the child who needs a bit of time — maybe you do too. Your child should reconsider their response, and maybe mom or dad needs a bit of time to chill out too.

“I’m here if you need me.”

While some time to cool down may be just what the situation needs, your child is also battling something internally for them to lash out in such a way, and you don’t want them to feel abandoned. Let them know that you’re close by when they do decide to come and speak to you (and, hopefully, apologize). It’s a great way to re-establish trust too — even though your child may have said something very hurtful, that doesn’t mean you’re mad or giving up on them. You’re reinforcing your unconditional love, and that’s the most important job of being a parent.