Am I Pushing My Child to Fulfill My Dreams?

When my daughter came home to announce that she got a callback for the school musical, I’ll admit my excitement went a little overboard. Sure, I’ve always supported her interests: her pursuit of making clothes out of duct tape, her passion for making slime out of laundry detergent, even her dream to create a hamster-run entirely out of toilet paper rolls.

But making it to the elementary school musical? This unleashed a stage mom in me that had been secretly lurking beneath the surface waiting to go all jazz hands with joy.

It started with the announcement that she was going to audition. All she needed to do was learn a song and prepare a monologue. Having a theatre background, I casually offered to lend a hand. Only if she wanted it. No pressure.

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We started with memorizing the lines. I shared the importance of knowing the piece by heart, followed by some light stage blocking. Which was then followed by learning (no, inhabiting!) the song. Which inevitably gave way to private singing lessons, ultimately culminating in one very rigorous week of prep for the elementary school musical audition.

Why was I doing this? Because I, like so many parents I know, found myself falling into the trap of pushing my kid to succeed at something I had dreamed of doing. Yes, I was a kid who desperately wanted to be a star of the stage and screen. Was I now transferring my unfulfilled ambitions onto my kid?

Apparently, I was. According to a study in the Netherlands, researchers found that the more a parent sees of themself in their child, the more likely they’ll be to want their child to live out their own unrequited dreams. Former jocks want their kids to excel at hockey, past math nerds push their kids to outshine in arithmetic and former wannabe actresses take on the role of stage mom.

She let it slip that her getting into the musical was “very important” — to me.

So what’s the harm if the child shows interest in something a parent is passionate about? According to the study, some parents see their children as extensions of themselves, rather than separate people with their own hopes and dreams.

The truth is, I wasn’t dying for my daughter to become an actress. It’s a career that has many amazing highs, but also too many lows for this mom to want it for her child. But boy, I identified with her desire to get up on that stage. So much so that at one moment when we were awaiting the results of her audition, she let it slip that her getting into the musical was “very important” — to me.

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Okay, maybe it was. And that’s when I realized that maybe I was putting too much pressure on her. I didn’t want her to think she had disappointed me if she didn’t make it in. This is her life, and I want her to explore all of her interests without me having undue influence over the choices she makes.

Next time, I’ll try and stand back and not literally take over the show. But that’s going to have to wait. Because my little girl got a LEAD ROLE!