How I Deal When My Otherwise Chill Teen Suddenly Becomes Moody

Today is a glorious day. My daughter is loving school, she thinks her teachers are cool and is totally psyched to hang out with friends. Life is good!

Except that can always change.

I just got word that today is, in fact, a lousy day. My kid now hates school, thinks her teachers are mean and is no longer psyched to hang with friends. Life sucks!

But again, that can basically change at any minute.

Because it seems just as quickly as it went sour, everything is peachy again. I've come to expect that the situation is evolving and could change at any moment, so please stand by for more breaking news from the ups and downs of raising a 14-year-old.

When her teen changed up her look, Laura found herself sounding like the kind of parent she vowed never to be.

The Ups and Downs of Parenting A Teen

Being a parent of a teen can be one heck of an emotional roller-coaster ride. As a mom who spends a lot of time in the orbit of teens, let me tell you what I know for a fact. Teenagers are some of the most fun-loving, curious, resilient people that I’ve been privileged to be around. They’re also moody, uncommunicative grumps that I sometimes want to run from screaming.

"One instant, my kid and I can be laughing together ... then out of nowhere, she’ll stomp off furious."

The volatility of the teen temperament is a natural part of development that I expected as a parent — if not dreaded. I recall my feelings of trepidation as my kid turned 13. I worried: would she suddenly morph into some kind of hormonal monster? Luckily that didn’t happen. Instead, I’ve enjoyed witnessing her personality blossom from girlhood to a fierce young woman.

That’s not to say it’s been easy, though. There have been wildly varying mood swings to contend with, not just day-to-day but sometimes moment-to-moment. One instant, my kid and I can be laughing together, having a great time, and then out of nowhere she’ll stomp off furious. And just as I’m reeling from the outburst, she’ll have moved on as if nothing ever happened.

Understanding the Teenage Brain

To survive this stormy stage when my otherwise chill kid can switch emotions on a dime, I decided to read up a little on what was actually happening in the teen mind.

It turns out that between the ages of six and 11, kids enter a latency period after the more turbulent toddler stage. But when the pre-teen and teen years start, the brain goes through a “remodelling,” which means that it's under construction in a way that heightens emotional responses. Teens are temporarily wired to feel things more intensely than children and adults.

As a mom, it’s hard sometimes to not get drawn into my daughter’s emotions. If she’s happy, I’m happy. And if she’s upset, I am too. I’ve realized that I have to change my response to her moods for both our sakes. So there are a few ways I've adapted to the situation.

Laura's teen is ready to get out there after months in lockdown, so she's learning to parent the teen she has, not the one that would make her life easier.

Meeting Her Where She’s At

It’s taken me some time, but I’ve figured out that there is some predictability to my daughter’s moods.

Like most teens, she’s no longer a morning person. She’s her best self after about 3 p.m., so I try to give her some space until at least high noon.

Handling It With Humour

My daughter loves to laugh and so I try to tackle any fraught subjects like homework or curfew by using a lighthearted approach.

After much trial and error, I’ve learned that bringing down the hammer isn’t nearly as effective as bringing down the house.

Taking A Timeout

The hardest thing I’ve had to do is not immediately react when familial friction hits the fan. I try to address burning issues when temperatures have cooled.

I’m not always successful, but I’m getting better.

Lingering and Listening

Often my kid gives one-word answers to my questions. Other times she’ll talk a blue streak if I’m prepared to listen. I try to not squander these opportunities to let her download her feelings when she’s ready to share them.

According to her teen, Laura has been using all the wrong emojis — so she decided to learn what this new language is all about.

Raising a teen isn’t easy — but being one is even harder.

These years may be challenging, but they are also fleeting. Accepting my teen for who she is and what she’s experiencing is helping us both ease our growing pains.