6 Ways You Can Help Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem

There are children who have high self-esteem and have learned to trust their talents and skills. However, some children and adolescents struggle with academic and social situations and tend to underestimate their gains. For them, building positive self-esteem is a complex process that requires ongoing reassurance, both at school and at home.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem relates to self-evaluation of competence and the assessment of one's qualities in many areas including physical appearance, academic functioning, autonomy and interpersonal relationships. An individual's perception of self-worth develops gradually and relates to one's achievements, positive outlook and interactions with others. It is influenced by developmental factors, family dynamics, school and community supports. Past experiences are often linked to an individual's sense of belonging and security and tend to impact on one's activities, opinions and decisions. Negative views of the self often result in a tendency to exaggerate negative aspects of daily events and may lead to dependency on others or result in stress reactions.

Recommended Reading: 5 Ways to Build Your Child's Reslisience in an Anxious World

How comparison with others impacts self esteem

Although it would be inaccurate to assume that top students always feel secure, or that all children with academic or adjustment problems suffer from low self-esteem, one should keep in mind the notion that self-evaluation is often dependent on comparisons. When children or adolescents perceive a discrepancy between their performance and expectancy for their reference group, they are more likely to develop a negative self-concept. The converse holds true as well: students who do not perceive a discrepancy between themselves and their reference group are more likely to develop a positive self-image.

How can parents and caregivers help?

What, then, are the things that family members, educators and caregivers should keep in mind?

• Be patient. Self-esteem is subject to change in negative or positive ways. Overcoming a sense of failure and exclusion takes time and ongoing support from significant others.

• Listen without judgement. Listening with empathy and understanding is likely to enhance communication and constructive feedback. Judgment and perceived criticism, on the other hand, are likely to stifle communication and increase anxiety.

• Provide opportunities for them to feel capable. High self-esteem is a result of feeling capable and able to achieve in a variety of areas. When supporting or assessing a child, ask and learn their answers to the following questions: What skills do I have; in what areas? What is easy for me to learn? Do? What can I teach someone else?

• Demonstrate they matter to you. Feeling significant enhances self-esteem and leads to increased connections with others. In order to feel significant one must receive feedback which indicates that who we are and what we do or say matters to others.

• Involve them in decisions. Feeling powerful refers to the sense of control over one's life. Helping youth to make decisions and exercise choices leads to more positive self-evaluation.

• Remember the power of positive feedback. Feeling worthy is central to the development and maintenance of one's positive identity. There are multiple verbal and non-verbal messages in which we indicate to others that they are valued in ways that are unconditional upon our expectations for their accomplishments. One should never underestimate the incremental feedback which consolidates high self-esteem for individuals and for groups.

The Psychology Foundation of Canada has a wonderful resource for parents of school-aged children called Focus on Self-Esteem that you can download to learn more about supporting and building your child’s self-esteem.