How to Emotionally Childproof Your Home

As parents, it is our responsibility to create a safe and stable environment for our kids to explore, so childproofing your home is no laughing matter. Obviously sharp corners, electrical outlets and stairs are major hazards, but it’s important to remember that not all dangers are physical; many psychologically troubling objects are lying around your house in plain view. Here’s a helpful guide to emotionally childproofing your household.

Artwork

This is the number one way to scar a child for life. Some things to avoid: spooky houses, Renaissance babies rendered like tiny adults, landscapes that look like they have a weird face in them, inappropriate self portraits by family members.

Literature

See that the lower shelves are free of books that reveal the misery of the human condition. Books about 20th century history, celebrity biographies, and the works of playwrights such as Chekhov and Sartre are gateways to Nihilism and depression. Adults should also avoid these books.

Television 

Make sure to block all cable news channels. Yikes.

Personal Papers 

The last thing kids need to know is how much of adult life revolves around a paralysing preoccupation with money: getting it, keeping it, owing it, moving it around. Be careful to keep all bills, receipts and tax papers are out of sight. By the same token, Monopoly is little more than a recruitment tool for capitalism and should be kept out of the home.

Yourself 

To maintain the endless joy that all children deserve, it’s imperative that you keep your actual emotions out of view. No crying, losing your temper, no sources of happiness other than your children’s accomplishments. If your kid sees you as anything other than the perfect parent for even an instant: childhood ruined. Come on, this is your kid’s happiness we’re talking about! Just keep it together.

Childhood is a precious time, and it only happens once. Let your kids’ childhood be magical. OH AND NEVER LET THEM ON THE INTERNET! Should have started with that :)