How To Escape From Your Sleeping Childs Bedroom

Congratulations! You finally got your child to sleep.

Sure. It might have taken three bedtime stories, followed by six more. And then a glass of water. And a trip to the bathroom. Followed by, “only two back tickles!” Which somehow turned into five.

But—you did it! Your child is sleeping and now you finally have some much needed alone time.

99% of Canadian parents have attempted one or more of these techniques to escape their child’s bedroom in the last year. Which is your favourite?

Quiz: Which Technique Is Right For You?

The Army Crawler

This technique was invented for parents of children in cribs and was later adapted for military use.

If your child opens her drowsy eyes while you’re leaving the room, drop to the ground immediately. Out of sight, out of mind. Army crawl your way to freedom.

The Creaky Floorboard Waltz

You know exactly where your floor is creaky. Therefore, you’ve developed a very specific set of dance moves in order to avoid these landmines of sound.

“A step to the left, and lean to the right, turn your hips three quarters and jump out of sight!”

Tip: If your significant other can’t remember where the creaky spots are (even though you’ve told him or her 10 times), it can be helpful to mark the safe spots.

The Shirt Shimmy

Your snoozing darling is off in la-la-land and you’re ready to make a run for it, but there’s one problem: she has a Vulcan death grip on your shirt.

The solution? Slither your way out of your shirt and make a grand escape. The saying “I’d give you the shirt off of my back” came from a parent using this technique.

The Sprint

Sometimes, you just need to make a run for it. You’re in and out of the room in 0.5 seconds. You close the door behind you and hold your breath. “Was it a success?”

This technique has a 50% success rate.

Good luck if you fail.

The Toddler Bed Twister Game

Getting out of a toddler bed unnoticed requires basic contortion skills and core strength.

Once you unwind yourself from the strange and twisted position you’ve assumed next to your child in a three-foot bed, lower your left hand onto the ground. Take a deep breath and slowly shift your weight onto this hand. Then, slowly lift your left leg and place it on the ground. Take another deep breath. Once you’re in a stable side-plank position, lift the rest of your body out of the bed (assuming it hasn’t fallen asleep and you can still feel your limbs.)

TIP: If you collapse during this maneuver, lie very still on the floor and hope that your child didn’t notice the *thud*.

Quiz: Which Technique Is Right For You?

The Negotiator

They’re flipping. They’re flopping. They’re *this close* to sleep, but they don’t want you to leave the room yet. You’re being held captive, so you make an attempt to negotiate with the kidnapper (funnily enough, this kid is not napping).

You do what anyone held captive would do: you tell a little white lie. “I just have to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

In his semi-sleepy state, he agrees to your brief departure. You tip-toe out quietly, and then...Don’t. Go. Back.

As parents, we play some strange games to get our kids to sleep—and keep them sleeping. Those glorious child-free hours at the end of the day are incredibly important to the mental and emotional health of a parent.

And let’s be honest: when else can parents binge watch their favourite tv shows and eat all the food that they say kids they can’t have? If you have to army crawl or waltz your way to freedom, so be it!

Photos by Aynur Shauerman, Wavebreak Media Ltd, Apatcha Muenaksorn / 123rf