‘Mommy Wine Culture’ And Why I Choose Not To Drink

I didn’t realize I had an alcohol dependency until I quit drinking for health reasons. I thought it was just a fun and harmless hobby. I love cooking, I love eating and cocktail culture seemed to go hand in hand with that.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was like a switch went off: my desire to drink any alcohol disappeared, instantly. I knew there were increased risk factors, especially for women, linking excessive alcohol consumption to further cancer, so I just stopped.

But this crazy thing happened.

Almost two years of sobriety later, the switch hasn’t come back on. Instead, this hiatus from drinking gave me pause to step back and examine my previous behaviour. And that behaviour, in hindsight, looks very problematic.

It's so hard to be a mom who doesn't drink. Read how one woman navigates it here.

I know in my 20s I binge drank, likely as a “habit” from being a university student that never found cause to go away. But as that decade went by, and turned into my 30s, that habit looked more like a dependency.

Having a party? Plan it around booze. Having a good day? Celebrate with booze. Having a bad day? Treat it with booze. Wanting to reconnect with old friends or meet new ones? Add some booze. Avoiding dealing with an unhealthy relationship? Here, drink this. You won’t even notice.

"... there is a lot of pressure and toxic messaging to drink, hidden behind buzzwords like 'me time,' 'self-care,' and 'stress relief.'"

I look back and see that it was a crutch. It was to feel a sense of belonging, comfort, camaraderie. I could numb out or celebrate or bond together over just about anything if alcohol was involved; it truly is a social lubricant. But at a certain point, that slope gets awfully slippery -- I simply expected alcohol to be a part of life in that way.

In today’s "mommy wine culture," there is a lot of pressure and toxic messaging to drink, hidden behind buzzwords like “me time,” “self-care” and “stress relief.” Parents are encouraged to take the edge off, take a moment to ourselves, take some much-needed girl time with our friends and book club — and bring the wine while we do.

And this feels wrong to me.

It feels wrong knowing that heavy drinking has been linked — especially for women — to higher risk of illness including cancer and heart disease, while the messaging around drinking and parenting is very laissez-faire. It feels inconsolable knowing that the relapse rate — even for people who have come through treatment programs for alcoholism — is estimated around 90 per cent, and yet there is a noticeable link between alcohol and parenting on a lot of social media. Did you know Stats Canada classifies almost 25 per cent of 35-49 year olds as heavy drinkers? It's even higher for 18-34 year olds. It’s a lot to wrap my head around.

This dad challenged himself to 100 days without alcohol. Read what it taught him here.

Many people are able to drink socially and not overdo it. That's great. But it seems though, anecdotally, that many more of us are not able to have just one drink. Like me. I know that when I started to rely on alcohol to accompany me through every mood, every life event, every social gathering and context, I was quickly developing a dependency. Although I no longer drink, thinking about those times and the messages around me that enabled this behaviour, it's no wonder that people struggle. 

One of the most powerful questions I can ask myself about anything is “why?” Why am I doing this? Why am I acting in this way? When I ask that question, and get quiet enough to listen to the answer, I find clarity in what’s really happening.

For me, the why was to try and feel like I was a part of something, like I belonged. So in the absence of drinking alcohol, I was able to get further clarity on what it is that really makes me feel like I belong. And I haven’t looked back since.