My Daughter Is Very Outspoken, But Could That Get Her Into Trouble?

I have always felt that all that is required for evil to flourish is for good people to stand by and do nothing.

But this is complicated, of course, because what is considered “good” by one person may not be considered the same by another.

So I’m often left wondering how to combat the “evils” of the world with “good” when to this day there are plenty of people who can’t agree on absolutes.

With this core problem in mind, I let my mind be known. Whether there is group acceptance or not. I will always defend people who are being picked on, and I will stand in the way of people who think they can get ahead by stealing, threatening, harassing, hurting or otherwise taking advantage of people.

And this has undoubtedly been absorbed by my daughter.

My daughter is sweet and young, so it’s decidedly a different experience. With me, it's akin to being confronted by a grizzly bear stumbling out of hibernation — people tend to just back away slowly.

What's the difference between being respectful and nice? Laura Mullin explains.

My Kid’s Mission to Civilize

On that note, I worry that my daughter can get in over her head.

We were at Canada's Wonderland waiting in line. (Shocking, right?)

We could see two boys feeding the Canadian geese that had flown in looking for pizza crusts.

My daughter and I are conservationists — we speak for the trees.

She knows all about disrupting migration habits and how it can ultimately end up as murder for the birds.

So she yelled at the boys: “Hey, don't do that!”

Her tone was sharp and shockingly familiar. It always catches me by surprise when she mimics my mannerisms so well. It weighs me down with a sense of responsibility. It reminds me that she is watching even when I don't think she is.

"What?” One boy asked, visibly annoyed.

"The idea of my daughter getting involved in third-party disputes is a little terrifying."

“Don't do that! They won't fly south.” She said, clearly frustrated.

The confused boys looked at her like she was insane and went about their day. But they also left the geese alone.

I rebuked her. I said, “Sweetheart, you are not the world police.”

She looked at me with a shocked sadness worse than I had ever seen. As if I had broken her heart.

She said: “If I don't do it, who will?”

I stopped dead in my tracks and said: “You are right. I am sorry.”

And she was right. I had said that exact thing multiple times. In fact, it's one of the ideals I hold most dear.

So we started a conversation on the subject because the idea of my daughter getting involved in third-party disputes is a little terrifying.

Why It Scares Me As a Dad

It's terrifying because a lot of the time when you tell a stranger that you disapprove of their actions, they will get mad at you.

Sometimes they could even get violent.

When you don’t know someone, their actions by nature are unknowns. It’s impossible to know how they will react.

I explained to her that the entire problem, as I see it, is one of proportionality.

Telling those boys not to feed the geese was an appropriate action.

She was a little on the sharp side, but that's OK.

"I told her that she has to remember she is initiating the confrontation, so it's likely the other party will escalate the confrontation."

If you want to assume a position of authority it's not a bad place to start.

Sure the boys had complied — but what if they didn't?

What if their response was crass and cold, like teenagers are prone to respond. What if his response was to say, “shut up, b—ch.”

Is she just supposed to start screaming swears at him?

I told her that she has to remember she is initiating the confrontation, so it's likely the other party will escalate the confrontation.

I ultimately told her that: “If you see someone doing something stupid, and you call them out, what are the odds they give you a thoughtful, rational response?”

When You Go High, Some Go Low

I told her that if you are going to initiate a confrontation, you have to be willing to ignore any personal attacks that come after.

Because her insistence that the geese should not be fed is justified, but so is the boy's annoyance at being told what to do by random strangers.

From their perspective, they are not morally, nor legally obligated to follow her orders in any way. That pretty much just makes her a “Karen” to them. Telling her off is, in my view, obviously not kind, and it is an escalation, but it's not disproportionate.

I actually expected it.

I let her know that when this happens, it’s best to stick to your original complaint. If the boy’s response was, in fact, “shut up, bi—h,” then it’s not a good idea to meet that with a bigger statement, like “I'll kill you M.F..”

That would be wrong for many, pretty clear reasons.

When arguments get muddled with personal attacks, it can be all too easy to meet someone at their level. But I have let her know to avoid those instincts, and to stand firm in the original argument.

Katharine Chan is giving her daughter the choice to pierce her ears, since she wasn't granted the same when she was a child.

Tempering

Using this experience as an example, I gave her a sense of what an appropriate response could be.

She could educate them by saying something like, “Listen, when you feed the birds, they won’t migrate and they might die.”

I know it can be difficult to maintain that kind of poise after being told to shut up, but it’s a lesson kids could benefit from learning.

I don’t believe that a general state of apathy, with noses in phones, is something to celebrate. But I also see the flip side of things, and I don’t think there is much value to a society where everyone is simply flipping out on strangers over minor inconveniences.

There is a middle ground.

Not everyone will take a simple learning opportunity in stride. Because, as I mentioned, most people don’t like other people poking their noses in their business.

But I want to demonstrate to my daughter that there are civil ways to have conversations in which people clash. They may not have favourable ends, but it’s important to know how to handle conversations that don’t take the flight plan you’ve envisioned.

I want her to stick to her guns, but know that others will try to deflate her with extremes. And in those situations it’s OK to walk away.

It’s not a defeat to avoid stooping to someone’s level.

Especially if that level is the lowest of the low.