My Family’s Passive Aggressive Passover Isn’t Perfect But It’s Real

Passover is supposed to be a celebration. The Jewish people escaped from slavery — thank you Hashem! And we ran out of Egypt so quickly that we didn’t have time for our bread to rise. Which is why we don’t eat leavened bread during Passover.

In the past, Passover has been a week of torture and arguments and avoidance.

However, I’ve never been to a decent party that didn’t have some soft, yummy dough. So, seven days sans bread and the celebration turns into a bit of a nightmare for me.

My husband "celebrates" the Ashkenazi way, which also means no kitniyot — a.k.a. beans, rice and legumes. Except, of course, quinoa and pumpkin seeds and literally only G-d knows why. I go the Sephardic route and eat the kitniyot. Even the rabbis couldn’t agree on the rules (they never can)!

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As a childless couple we blazed our own trails in silence (I’m eating this, you eat whatever you want and we’ll just avoid each other for the week). But now, we have kids and I make all of their meals. And I cradle them at night when the matzah constipates them. And I get angry stares from my husband when I tell them to eat some darn peas already. Meanwhile, the kids eat the foods of the parent they prefer that day. It’s all very mature.

Compromise works when the problem is negotiable. This one isn’t. Most people’s traditions aren’t.

In the past, Passover has been a week of torture and arguments and avoidance. He wants us all to do the same thing, I want dietary options. This year will be different, I hope.

Obviously this issue isn’t specific to Judaism. Blending traditions is hard for even the most secular families. Family rituals tug on our most tightly bound heartstrings. But, from experience, I know that even the most diverse couples can work it out.

My atheist mother always included a little speech on Christmas Eve: “Now we do agree that Jesus existed, however…” And my Muslim dad skipped bacon on Christmas morning. Despite their personal differences, we had the kinds of Christmases Norman Rockwell paintings and Benetton ads are made of. And now my Jewish kids join in, lighting the menorah my mum bought for when Hanukkah overlaps with Jesus’ birthday.

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I think the secret to familial peace is three simple concepts: communication, expectations and compromise. So, in the spirit of escaping terrible situations, let’s apply the three “simple” ideas to our problem.

Communication: I’ve expressed my discontent at his passive aggressive sighs and he’s expressed his discontent at my different religious standards.

Blending traditions is hard for even the most secular families. Family rituals tug on our most tightly bound heartstrings.

Expectations: I’ve lowered my expectations around enjoying this holiday. He’s lowered his expectations as far as getting me to do what he wants.

Compromise: We both agree to continue to do it differently. We’ve compromised on needing to agree on everything! Our tradition will be doing it differently! We will explain that to the kids and because this decision comes from love they will understand. We will not resent each other nor the matzah pizza!

Compromise works when the problem is negotiable. This one isn’t. Most people’s traditions aren’t. No one wants to give up happy memories, and doing that can lead to resentment. So, we find a path forward that doesn’t leave anyone behind. Acknowledging we can’t agree doesn’t mean we don’t love each other or don’t want ease in our children’s lives — it just means we’re real.

Blending traditions is never easy, but hopefully it can be kind. Hopefully traditions can grow and change, like families and rules and religions. My goal for this year’s Passover is to get rid of the passive aggression and get on board with not always being on the same board. It’s very rabbinical of us.