My Religion Taught Me To Hate, But Today I Teach My Kids To Love

Long before I was aware of spiritual or religious abuse, I was one of its perpetrators.

They say confession is good for the soul, so here is mine.

I was introduced to religion at 17 years old. I remember one of the golden rules from the organization I joined was to distance myself from anyone who didn’t adhere to what the holy text deemed biblically acceptable.

Maria Baranowski was raised with religion, and she's raising her kids the same way. Read why she says it's the right choice for her family.

Seeing Past What I Was Taught

The more involved I got with the church, the more I realized the prejudice I had towards anyone who didn’t share my religious views. At the time, I was conditioned to believe that whatever I was taught was the only truth, anything else was considered blasphemous.

As I evolved and leaned into a greater understanding of God, I became aware that something wasn’t right with some of the views I was holding on to. I started noticing the ways in which I perceived an individual’s sexual preferences, how people worshipped and how they chose to live their lives.

"As I evolved and leaned into a greater understanding of God, I became aware that something wasn’t right with some of the views I was holding on to."

Now that I’m older, I can see that some of the beliefs I held so dearly were not only destructive to others, but also to myself and my overall growth as an individual. They were also ones I didn't want to pass on to my children.

Making The Decision To Leave

My first taste of what spiritual abuse can feel like happened when I made the decision to leave my church and my then-abusive marriage.

I was called a backslider of the faith.

I was told that I am hell-bound, that God was no longer happy with me because I was a divorcée.

Those comments opened my eyes to the dangers of the religious conditioning I had endured, and what happens when you don’t fall in line.

Still, I had made the decision to reset my thought process. I came to understand that in order for me to thrive and coexist in a diverse society, I had to honour and respect other peoples’ choices, and release outdated paradigms. I had to open my mind, and allow myself to experience more rewarding relationships in turn.

Quentin Janes is an atheist and he's raising his child the same way, but as he writes, it isn't a rejection of spirituality.

Living And Raising My Children Without Prejudice

Now, having released those dogmas, I no longer feel any judgment towards those who choose not to share my beliefs. What matters to me these days isn’t whether or not someone lives their life the way I do, but whether they add colour to the canvas of my life.

I can now sit, share and converse with others — instead of being overcome by thoughts of prejudice. I’ve learned that in order to make my life beautiful, I must play my role in creating a system of harmony with others.

"I continuously notice how good it feels when I accept people based on who they are instead of how they adhere to rules I didn’t even set myself."

I am raising my children to own and accept who they are individually. I don't judge their choice of friends because I want to teach them that part of their purpose on their life’s journey is to uplift, not to tear others down because of skewed perceptions. Most importantly, I don't want them to repeat my mistakes, thinking that my views were not only the sole correct ones, but the only ones that mattered.   

Reassessing my religious beliefs led me here, allowing me to live with openness and compassion. I listen to my inner voice, and I continuously notice how good it feels when I accept people based on who they are instead of how they adhere to rules I didn’t even set myself.

But first, I had to be placed in that outsider position. It helped me gain a clearer understanding of the freedom that comes from no longer conforming to norms and standards that restrict.

Some of the most trustworthy, honest and loving friends I have come to celebrate and share space with are people of the LGBTQ community — like my very loving and fellow Barbadian friend Deandra Yearwood, who also stepped away from homophobia and is now living her truth. It makes me all the more grateful that I have this new season of my life, one I’ve achieved from learning and accepting that prejudice is a disease.