Non-Huggers Have Had A Break From Hugging, But What Happens After COVID?

Think back to the “Before Times.”

You’re walking down the street and bump into an old friend you haven’t seen in years. Do you greet them with a hug?

You get together with family for brunch, and you are about to part ways. Do you share an embrace?

Your teen is heading off to school for the day. Do you stop them before they leave and squeeze them?

"The question to hug or not to hug always filled me with unease."

These were the burning social questions I wrestled with long before the age of social distancing. For some reason, I’ve never been much of a hugger. I’m not sure if it’s my natural disposition, reserved upbringing or innate need for personal space — whatever the reason, the question to hug or not to hug always filled me with unease.

When I had my daughter, I didn’t want her to feel the same social stress when physically demonstrating affection. I vowed I would help normalize external emotion for her even though it didn’t come naturally to me. Research shows that physical contact such as hugging has immense advantages: it can lower stress, protect from illness, boost heart health and make people happier.

I wanted my child to experience all the benefits that hugs can offer. 

During the pandemic, Laura's daughter has gotten into VCRs and boom boxes. Apparently, Gen Z's vintage esthetic is the '90s.

But the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. My daughter is kind and affectionate, but she has never been overly physical when it comes to expressing her tender side. I blamed it on the fact that I wasn’t able to breastfeed or that her winter birth made skin-to-skin contact challenging in the frigid months when she was a newborn. I wondered, could I have done more to make her more comfortable with physical affection?

"Before the pandemic, I made a concerted effort to loosen up a little and enjoy any hugs that came my way."

In contrast, my niece, who is almost the same age, is the polar opposite. She is a snuggle monster that lives for body-crushing hugs. When the two girls were little, my niece used to go around doling out hugs like candy bars. Her emotional warmth has only made my daughter’s lack of cuddles all the more apparent.

Before the pandemic, I made a concerted effort to loosen up a little and enjoy any hugs that came my way. And I was making the extra effort to embrace my daughter every chance I got. She is growing up fast and I felt it was good for us both. While it’s important to teach kids to have autonomy over their bodies and to not feel pressured into hugging people when they don’t want to, I didn’t want my daughter to miss out on the joys of physical connection.

As a Chinese Canadian, Katharine Chan never felt like she belonged growing up. But she wants things to be different for her kids.

But then the strangest thing happened.

Hugs were effectively cancelled. COVID-19 took over, and we discovered that our very survival depended on us keeping at least six feet away from everyone. Suddenly hugs could kill.

"While others lamented that they couldn’t wait to get back to hugging others, I luxuriated in the time out."

If I’m being honest I felt a little relieved. I didn’t mind the respite from the social quagmire of hugging or not hugging. Sure, I missed being with people in person, but I didn’t long for the awkwardness of the embrace. While others lamented that they couldn’t wait to get back to hugging others, I luxuriated in the time out.

And I stopped forcing hugs on my kid. We’ve been spending practically every waking moment since March of 2020 together and our affection evolved into something more natural. We found ourselves embracing when we really meant it: after an argument, when one of us is down or when we just feel like showing the other some love.

And those hugs felt the best of all.

So what will physical affection look like in the post-pandemic world?

With vaccination rates on the rise, they say hugs are coming back. In the joyous rush to make up for a year without embraces, I hope people will remember that not everyone loves being squeezed. Going forward, some of us might feel more comfortable with something less physically intimate like a fist bump, a nod or a bow.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t missed you.