I’m Giving My Daughter The Choice To Pierce Her Ears A Choice My Mother Never Gave Me

Big questions seem to come out of nowhere.

Recently, I picked up my five-year-old daughter from school, but something seemed different.

I could tell something was on her mind.

So I asked her what she got up to with her best friend, and she started listing off the activities.

Then she looked at my ears and said, “Oh and she wore shiny gold hoop earrings today.”

Janice Quirt believes too much emphasis is placed on how girls look. Which is partly why she regrets piercing her daughter's ears.

To Pierce or Not to Pierce

I responded, “Oh, OK. What do you think of them?”

She looked down and said, “They’re pretty. You have earrings too, Mom!”

I could tell it was on her mind, so I asked if she wanted to get her ears pierced too.

She hesitated to answer yes or no, and instead offered: “Um … Does it hurt? Is there blood?”

"My mom blindsided me, poking two holes in my ears without having this conversation."

I spoke honestly and let her know that it does hurt a bit at first, but the pain doesn't last very long.

I likened it to biting your tongue or stubbing your toe — at first it feels monumental, but as you let the worry fade, the pain leaves with it. There probably won't be any blood, but even if there is it's only a drop or two.

She thought about it for a second and then confidently shook her head with a resounding, “Nope!”

At that moment, I reminisced about the fateful night when I was my daughter’s age and my mom blindsided me, poking two holes in my ears without having this conversation.

No Choice

My mom was going to pick my sister up from her piano lesson when she asked me to come along. As we were driving, I noticed she wasn’t taking her usual route. Instead, we pulled into the parking lot of a strip mall.

She told me to get out and we entered a jewelry store. She went up to the clerk, asked her something and pointed at me. I had no idea what was going on.

Then the clerk brought out a wooden stool and my mom asked me to sit on it. I still didn’t know what was happening. Then my mom said, “You’re getting your ears pierced tonight.”

I nervously waited as the clerk came out from the back room wielding two guns, one in each hand like an outlaw. My mom asked, “Both at the same time, right?” The clerk nodded.

I still remember my heart pounding as my sweaty hands gripped onto my seat. My mind raced between “Yay, I can wear earrings like my older sisters” and “I don’t want the pain. It’s going to hurt. I don’t want to do this.”

"She wanted me to get my ears pierced because she believes it’s beautiful."

The clerk asked me rhetorically, “Ready?”

Pop! Pop! The sound interrupted my train of thoughts. Two pops? I guess she didn’t do them simultaneously.

I started to cry but the flood of tears dried up quickly as a bowl of lollipops was presented in front of me. Yum … purple flavour. My mom grabbed the bottle of antiseptic and rushed me out of there. She was late picking my sister up.

As I’m thinking about this, I understand why my mom did what she did. She wanted me to get my ears pierced because she believes it’s beautiful. She assumed I wanted it too because my sisters had it done. I may have even told her I had been feeling left out. So it was on her to-do list.

However, with three kids and a very busy schedule, my mom didn’t have time to explain and properly prepare me. That night, because she had extra time to kill before picking my sister up, she was simply checking a box off her to-do list.

Kids Have A Right to Self-Expression

Unlike my mom, I want to offer my daughter some choice in the matter.

I’ve seen parents and celebrities pierce their kids' ears when they are babies so they won’t remember the pain.

And fair enough — if my mom had done that, I would have forgotten the traumatic experience.

However, I could never do that to my child because I would feel like I’m trying to control their self-expression.

"It’s her body, so it’s her choice."

How do I know they've consented to have their ears pierced?

Is this something they find beautiful?

Would doing this align with their individuality, identity and values?

I have no clue and I’m in no position to assume or project my preferences onto them.

Rob Thomas knows that some parents will disagree with his approach, but he still intends to tell his daughter she is beautiful. 

Female beauty is not defined by having pierced ears

There will be a moment when my daughter realizes there are certain beauty standards that determine what is or isn’t appropriate for a female body.

These social expectations have existed for as long as I can remember and they have personally contributed to years of feeling not good enough, poor self-esteem and people-pleasing behaviours.

If I can delay exposing my daughter to these expectations and/or minimize imposing my own, I will. I want her to feel empowered to change her body and physical appearance as she pleases, loving the skin she is in, with or without her ears pierced.

It’s her body, so it’s her choice.

I want her to know that it's OK for her to be different, and she doesn’t need to follow trends or what everyone else is doing to feel beautiful.

So if one day after school, she tells me she wants to get her ears pierced, it won’t be an impromptu activity that I fit in during my downtime.

It will be a cherished memory between us with tears of joy, celebrating her choice to express herself.

I might even ask my mom to come so she can contribute positively to my daughter’s experience as we rewrite history together.