What Do You Do If Your Son’s Best Friend Is A Problem?

It seems to me that “liking a kid” should just be a universal rule.

Unless they are a Satanic child or McCaulay Culkin's character in The Good Son, kids are kids, right? They're silly, sometimes weird and not trying to hurt anyone. 

I mean, what kind of monster would actually admit to not liking a kid?

Me. I’m that monster who has a problem with her son's friend.

Craig Stephens has learned a lot about the world in the last two years. And he's worried about what it looks like for his daughter.

You Don't Have to Like Everyone

It's not that I'm unwelcoming. I do try.

"Hey sweetie, come on in!" I said to my son's friend, a little girl who traipsed through my house and to the kitchen, where she proceeded to swing open my pantry door and take an inventory of what's inside.

"I'm hungry..." she moaned.

I handed her a granola bar, she paused, and then I swear I saw her roll her eyes as if it weren't good enough. She then walked off to my son's room, not a word of "thanks."

Just like most people don’t like all the adults they ever meet, sometimes that same thinking applies to some of the kids my child buddies up with.

"I don't feel wrong in hoping that my kid will make friends who will bring out the best in him"

And that makes sense to me. Every kid has their own habits, their own nuances and their own little personality. And sometimes, all of that just doesn't jive with me.

These early friendships for many kids start at daycare. A kid may come into contact with Billy the Biter or Talia the Tantrum Thrower who may rub off on them just a little too much. Or they'll meet Bobby the Booger Eater and pick up a disgusting habit or two. 

And don't even get me started on the sass they may pick up from Spoiled Sasha.

But even though I may not love any of these habits, I know that maybe, just maybe, one or all of these kids could become his besties. The kind of friends he'll come home, all excited, to tell me about.

However, they are also the kind of friends that, should he ever come home snot-nosed because they didn't want to play with him, I might think "good riddance."

Because I don't feel wrong in hoping that my kid will make friends who will bring out the best in him.

Growing Up

I think it only gets worse as kids get older.

Drop-off playdates and birthday parties give kids the freedom to act out in any way they want because their parent isn’t around, and that’s when you see their true colours.

If I'm hosting, I might find myself having to parent other people’s kids and then I start to resent both the child and his or her parents.

There’s the kid who comes over and freely goes into your cupboards to find a snack. Or the kid who has older siblings and mentions things about Santa Claus or sex that you have to explain in greater detail to your own child later.

I can’t imagine what’s to come when he reaches his teenage years. Part of me thinks I’ll dislike them all (ha ha… but seriously).

Jenn Cox isn't afraid to have tough conversations with her son. But she does want to approach them appropriately.

Is It The Wrong Crowd?

I have toiled over the question of what to do if I don't like my kid's friends. 

Because there have been some who I definitely didn't like. 

But I've told myself that unless I truly feel as though my son is in some danger being friends with someone, it's best for me not to forbid him from hanging out with a person. Because even though I may not like someone for whatever reason, if no harm is being done, it doesn't feel fair to block him.

I've realized that at a certain age, and this will be different for every parent, I have to let my son choose his own friends freely and independently. If I were to oversee every friendship, and butt in on anything from maturing, my son would view that as a lack of trust. But I trust him, so I bite my tongue and stand back. Even if it is hard sometimes.

Here are some tips that worked for me when I navigated an "unwanted friend": 

• I made sure to diversify. By making many different playdates with a bunch of different kids, I felt like it was less likely that my son would focus all of his attention on his one naughty friend.
• I took an interest in the so-called "problem child." Sometimes it's easy to get stuck on a surface-level analysis of someone, but by taking the time I am not only getting to know my son's friend on a deeper level, but it shows my son I'm supportive of his friendships. That I'm willing to do the work.
• I set rules and I keep them. This doesn't mean I mill about, schooling another parent's child. I just have rules in my house that I say must be observed in order to play at our house. I think it's perfectly acceptable to explain what is allowed and what isn't. Especially under my own roof. 

I also think about what it was like to be a kid a lot. 

Sometimes those early friendships were short-lived. They introduced a bit of risk and spontaneity, but they ultimately didn't last. Kids can be fickle — they move on. Whether it's to a new friend, or a new toy. Many kids, maybe even your own, move from friend to friend, especially in their formative years.

My best advice is similar to how I approach a lot of tough conversations in life. I sit down with my son, and we have a chat at a level he is capable of understanding. We discuss what friendship is, and what it means to be a good friend. We talk about how friends should treat each other. 

My hope is that by explaining what good friendship is, he will know what to look for. Eventually, my thought is that he'll apply these teachings into finding lasting friendships. 

There are no guarantees that a child will heed every bit of advice we put by them, but I know my son is listening. At least for now. 

And if it sticks, well, maybe I can stop being the monster.