Why Are We So Hard On Moms?

I’m no expert.

I’m just a mom.

And writing about being one here reminds me that I’m not alone. It gives me the chance to step away from the day-to-day job of raising my daughter, and reflect on and share my fears, mistakes and occasional victories with other parents.

I’m often startled when someone tells me they’ve read an article I’ve written. I’m reminded of the special sense of connection it creates. It can sometimes feel like I’m writing into the void, especially after almost two years of pandemic isolation. Then I’ll bump into someone, and they’ll remark on something I wrote and weigh in on the subject. It means the world to me.

Because let’s face it, I’m an amateur parent. There’s no manual for this job. We’re all just winging it here, hoping to do the best that we can. I don't think anything in my life will ever demand as much, have higher stakes or be more rewarding.

Parenting during COVID-19 has Katharine Hagerman feeling like she's 26 kilometres into a marathon with no finish line.

Being a mom can make me feel vulnerable. Sure, everyone loves a mom on Mother’s Day, but people aren’t nearly as kind the rest of the year. It feels like moms are supposed to be perfect. And to achieve that perfection, a mom is expected to have boundless energy, be utterly selfless, expertly organized, a righteous role-model with zen-like patience and yet humble all at the same time.

Who says so?

In my experience, almost everyone. Even other moms.

We’re harder on ourselves than anyone. But we are far from alone.

Being a mom in public

I’m in the unique position of sharing some of my life as a mom on this platform. And while I try to avoid the temptation to read the comments, I inevitably find myself drawn in by them. It can be interesting to read different points of view on subjects I write about, and I’m happy to learn from other parents’ perspectives.

"We’re harder on ourselves than anyone."

However, some of the feedback can be harsh if not downright misogynistic. From what I can see, comments that moms receive here are frequently cruel. Vitriolic. And while the trolling of women online is far from rare, it seems as if writing about motherhood invites a particular kind of criticism.

I’ve been called a bad mother, a terrible role model, immature, mentally ill, unintelligent and careless. And one reader even suggested I be sent to Afghanistan to live under Taliban rule. Ouch.

I’m not complaining. It goes with the territory, and the positive feedback and joy of connecting with parents outweighs the negativity. But I do find myself wondering why moms are expected to be "perfect" while dads are often congratulated for simply doing their jobs.

Inequality, parenting and COVID

No matter how far we’ve come to balance gender equality in the home, it's hard for me to not recognize how often moms bear the brunt of the mental and emotional labour of raising kids. That is not to say that dads aren’t hands-on and working hard because they are. And, of course, not every family is made up of a mom and dad or a female and male. But moms tend to feel the pressure of childrearing, and many experience shame when they think they aren’t measuring up.

"We’re all having to dig deeper, in many cases, more so than ever before."

This has been rarely more evident than during the time of COVID-19. Moms have found themselves squeezed between the demands of work and childcare from multiple school shutdowns. Trying to keep up with it all often feels like too much. According to a Calgary-led study from last year, symptoms of anxiety and depression in moms were up by 16 per cent compared to the time pre-COVID.

When you're a parent, nothing feels more important than raising kids. Parents just want the best for this next generation — a generation that has been going through a really tough time. On top of that, a pandemic isn't something that many parents experienced as kids themselves, so there is no playbook. There is no roadmap to being a good pandemic parent.

Parents have been tasked to help get children through this challenging phase, and from where I stand, we’ve responded heroically.

No matter the circumstances, it's hard being a parent right now. Craig Stephens' list of fears for his daughter has grown as the times changed with COVID.

Sure, we’re all stressed. Sure, we’re all having to dig deeper, in many cases, more so than ever before. And sure, it’s a cliche, but we are all in this together. 

There is no doubt that dads have also had to fight for their families during these hard times too. This isn't a piece about moms being good and dads being bad. It's about the expectations of moms like me, and how they are nearly impossible to uphold.

"We need parents more now than ever."

For many of us moms, our identities and self-worth are entangled in motherhood. We can lose ourselves in the role. So it stings when people off-handedly suggest we aren’t doing a good job despite our best efforts. Especially these days. In my opinion, there aren't many things worse than being called a "bad mother."

If I can leave you, dear reader, with one thought — especially the "you" who is about to be judgemental and hurtful to me and other moms — let it be this: Take a deep breath and be thoughtful of the burdens moms carry in these difficult times.

Take a moment and think of your mother.

Because whatever your relationship, there were likely times when she was a hero for you. And I’m willing to bet you’re the better for it.

So mom, dads, parents and those of us invested in raising children, let's all give each other a little grace in these challenging times. Let’s be a little kinder to everyone, because we need parents more now than ever.