Why I’m stepping down as the money police

We have a complicated relationship with money.

I was ironically thinking about that yesterday at the very moment when a package full of YouTube merchandise worth $150 US arrived for my one teen.

For a teen making around $100 Canadian a week at a part-time job in a pandemic, that kind of spending seems excessive.

Paula Schuck's kids are working for their money. And in the case of one of her teens, it's given her the kind of dignity she felt was missing. Read that here. 

How It Started, How It's Going

My mom was a single parent and money was always tight.

That mindset stuck with me as a new parent, and it hasn’t changed much over the years. I constantly ask the question: do we need it or want it?

If we need it, what’s the best deal? Can we squeeze it into the budget? There are very few splurges in my home. Raising children is an expensive process and we don't have the luxury of frivolous spending.

Recently, my youngest teen sat in my office crying after buying Air Pods. I was perplexed. We had split the cost earlier in the day picking them up at Costco. She currently has no less than five sets of working headphones and earbuds. Does she use them all? Maybe, but probably not. I feel like that’s a lot of earbuds. I mean, who needs that many?

But she had wanted a set of Air Pods forever, and she got them, so why was she crying?

The answer: my kids have a limited amount of money and we are a family living within a budget.

My Daughter's Guilt

“When you ask me if I actually need them and then I buy them it makes me feel guilty for buying them,” my daughter said.

That was not my intention at all, but frankly I do want my kids to think about their purchases and the cost of living over the course of their lifetime.

I need them to understand that rent and mortgages and cell phones cost money, and sometimes there’s very little left over. Do I want them to feel guilty for purchases they make with their own money? No. But I want them to be aware of why it’s important to find the best price, and I want them to weigh wants and needs. Unless you are independently wealthy, that’s simply how many families live.

What I want is to set my kids up to make better choices.

Employment won’t always be available to everyone when they need it, and student employment this summer may already be harder to come by than it usually is. So, do they save for a rainy day or have an $11-a-week Chipotle burrito habit? I'd like my children to think a bit about the value of money, rather than splurge on every whim until the coffers dry up.

But she had to have Air Pods, and she bought them.

Setting My Own Limits

At home, I pay attention to the time of day for electricity rates because those costs can multiply dramatically.

My family bought nothing at full cost when I was a child because we couldn’t afford to buy things that weren’t on sale. And I still do that.

If I wasn’t careful with money, we simply wouldn’t be able to pay the mortgage or fill the fridge.

We are able to cover the needs, mostly. Do I live with a scarcity mindset? Maybe, but resources are scarce, so in my mind this makes sense.

Apparently, this has been robbing my child of the joy of revelling in purchases.

We Don't Need That

I continue to advise the kids to save their money because we don’t actually know when they might work again, and conscientious shopping just makes sense.

Let’s be honest: many people have made some ridiculous Amazon purchases during the pandemic, because on a hard day we thought that we needed that pair of cellulite reducing leggings making the rounds on TikTok, or the charcoal teeth whitening powder our favourite beauty influencer sells on YouTube.

Except, why? The dopamine effect of these purchases is brief, and often those items sit on a counter in the bathroom. Or perhaps we wear the clothing a few times before it lands in the donation bin.

There’s a role for retail therapy during a pandemic. But financial literacy is also a lifetime lesson and goal. In 2021, these two things seem at odds many days.

Trying to teach little ones about money? Start an at-home economy. Find out how here.

They Might Have to Learn the Hard Way

Moms and dads of teens get pretty good at biting their tongue over many things. Teens often have to arrive at their own conclusions in their own time. You cannot make them understand that a relationship is not right for them; you cannot make them comprehend the future as their frontal lobes just aren’t there yet. They are impulsive by nature.

Do I hate the impulsive purchases? Yes, very much. The waste makes me nuts, but for now I’m going to have to let it go. I’m working on assuming the role of passive observer.

Our teens are going to need to move through this next stage on their own. Maybe my voice is in the back of their mind and maybe it isn’t, but for now I will let it go. Spend your money as you see fit and when it runs out, it runs out. Natural consequences will apply and maybe they will learn from those, but I can’t and won't be the money police anymore.