I’m A Young Mom, I’m Burnt-Out And I Don’t Want Us To Think That’s Normal

I’m not tired. What I am is burnt-out.

I hear it all the time, and you might too.

A parent says they’re burnt-out and they get told, "You just need a little break. That’s normal. Imagine doing it with even more kids! Oh, everybody feels like that at some point."

But hearing that doesn’t help me.

"So many of us have learned to hide the way we feel."

Burnout is not the same as feeling overly stressed. Stress is having too much to do and feeling overwhelmed. That’s not what I'm experiencing — I don’t feel like I have an extensive to-do list.

Burnout is extreme nothingness. No hope, no energy, no motivation. It’s mental, emotional and physical exhaustion that leaves me feeling helpless and alone in the world.

There’s a lengthy list of symptoms of burnout. In my experience, you can Google it all you want, but you won’t really understand unless you or someone you care about goes through it. But even then, I find it’s hard to actually see someone experience burnout. So many of us have learned to hide the way we feel. Especially when we’ve been made to believe that what we’re feeling is completely normal.

Katharine Reid is a stay-at-home mom who had to find ways to tackle burnout and prioritize herself, even when she's with her kids 24/7.

Burnout in my experience

Burnout for me has been migraines, loss of appetite and the inability to sleep even though I feel so mentally and physically exhausted. It’s wanting to quit, and irritability and a feeling of not caring but caring too much at the same time.

It’s feeling like I’m not good enough, and never will be good enough. Crying about the smallest inconveniences and having anxiety attacks in private because I don’t want people to know.

I’ve always been a stoic person. I don’t like to talk about the way I feel, it's hard for me to even put it into words. I ignore it and ignore it until it’s pushed so far down that it feels like a small knot in my chest or stomach. It’s even harder for me to be vulnerable enough to let people really see me — even the good parts. I’m not sure if it’s my fear of being a burden, but I tend to keep it all from my friends or family because I tell myself it doesn’t matter.

Except it does.

The normalization of burnout

When I first hear things like "that’s normal," I feel OK for a moment. It feels like someone thinks I’m doing a good job. At first, it’s just a relief to know that other parents feel this way at some point. That it is, in fact, normal.

But it’s not.

"It isn’t a badge of honour to wear that proves I’m taking on the world."

When I take a bit longer to think about it, I feel invalidated. At that point, hearing that it’s normal, or not as bad as it seems or OK to feel burnt-out seems to me like romanticization and normalization of the issue.

What those words then sound like to me is, "we’ve already been through it, you’re overexaggerating, you’re weak."

I don’t think burnout should be treated so casually. I believe it’s a sign that someone needs help. It isn’t a badge of honour to wear that proves I’m taking on the world or I’m in first place of some parenting competition.

In some cases, burnout can lead to physical and mental health issues. And sometimes, for those of us who are burnt-out, we don’t know how to ask for help. I also feel like I don’t even know how exactly I can be helped, because things just seem muddled. Mostly, I don’t ask because I don’t want to need help. I want to do it alone.

Not getting enough rest? These seven tips from the Psychology Foundation of Canada can help you feel more rested in your daily life.

It's OK to need support

But what I've only recently learned is burnout isn’t a sign of weakness. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s taken me some time to realize that.

It’s just a sign that things have been difficult for a long time, or even just for a while. It's a need to not feel like I’m carrying the weight of everything around me on my shoulders.

So, what I need instead of empty phrases, is for someone to truly listen.

"I try to remind myself that burnout is not a sign of success."

It’s hard to talk about uncomfortable feelings — I know I’m not alone in finding that. And once I feel invalidated or like I’m not being taken seriously, it’s easy to shut down.

I often feel alone in all this, asking myself why I’m not as strong as others and wondering if I’m enough. It's at those times I try to remind myself that burnout is not a sign of success. It’s not romantic, and I don’t want us to believe it should be normal.

I know it’s a problem that takes time to solve, but let’s start by changing the script to a simple: "You’re doing a good job. I’m here if you need me. It will get better. You are enough."

When it comes to leaning on my close friends and family, I’ve learned it’s OK to need help. It’s OK to want to be hugged and told that everything will be fine.

So, if you’re reading this, and you’re one of the too-many burnt-out parents out there, please remember: you’re doing a good job, it will get better, you are enough.