Look, I dropped my 8yos Lego plane and had to put it back together exactly how he made it so dont tell me I dont know what stress feels like

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Normal day as a parent: Cooking, cleaning, & carpooling

Your birthday as a parent: Cooking, cleaning, carpooling, & cake

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Sure your own kids are annoying, but have you ever met other peoples kids?

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It's just not a real family road trip until you are all packed and get halfway down the driveway... without one of your children.

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have kids so you can fondly remember how quiet your life used to be

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Me: *being lowered into grave*

My kids: Can you take us to McDonalds?

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Soooo I decided to cut my son's hair, and he's now innocently walking around not knowing he looks like Joe Exotic.

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With amusement parks, zoos, movie theaters and more closed, camping is one of the last family-friendly activities you can safely do. Still, no thanks.

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Me, yelling to kids: Stop YELLING AT EACH OTHER!

I may be a hypocrite, but Im a self-aware hypocrite, dammit. And apparently a loud one.

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My 4 year old just got mad at me for not calling myself the Best Mom in the World, so if youre looking for a life coach wholl scream at you until you believe in yourself, have I got a recommendation for you.

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Listening to my 9yo talk is exactly like watching an episode of drunk history

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When your kid asks for waffles and you make them waffles but they cry because they dont want waffles so you make them cereal and then they scream when you eat their waffles thats called a 2020

Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) July 4, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Vision Bored","author_url":"https://twitter.com/VisionBored1","cache_age":86400,"description":"When your kid asks for waffles and you make them waffles but they cry because they dont want waffles so you make them cereal and then they scream when you eat their waffles thats called a 2020 Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) July 4, 2020\n\n","options":{"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Vision Bored on 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My kids are halfway through the day that they can't use the internet. Sources* say no one has ever suffered this much in the history of the world.

* my kids

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Optimists see the cup half-full.

Pessimists see the cup half-empty.

Parents of toddlers see the cup spilled all over the floor.

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Im gonna need another vacation after my family vacation because a family vacation is no vacation at all

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6: hey mom why dont you go sit down and relax

Me: awesome thanks

*2 minutes later*

6: hey mom lets write down a list of things you need to relax

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My daughter asked me what marriage was like and I nodded and said that sounded great. Then she asked me if I was even listening.

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One nice thing about working with all women is I had to pump during a 4 hour Zoom call today and everyone was like Fire up those tits and lets keep going I AM PARAPHRASING BUT IT WAS COOL/CHILL.

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Bored so Ive decided to convince my 12yo that zebras are just stripy horses.

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6-year-old: I'm throwing a party in my room!

Me: Awesome! I'll be right up.

6: Sorry. We're full.

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The kids are not fans of Veruca Salt. They're currently yelling at the Willy Wonka movie \"You just can't get everything you want, that's not how it works?!\"

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[6 AM]

Child: Can mermaids have a seafood allergy?

Me [rubbing temples]: its too early for this

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