If I were an x-ray technician, after I took the first x-ray Id say: ok now lets do a goofy one. I think people would laugh/have a good time

broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) June 29, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"broti gupta","author_url":"https://twitter.com/BrotiGupta","cache_age":86400,"description":"If I were an x-ray technician, after I took the first x-ray Id say: ok now lets do a goofy one. 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i wanna listen to an audiobook where the actor is also reading it for the first time so you can hear them gasp when a plot twist happens

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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

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I think I speak for many cis women when I say that our actual greatest locker-room fear is getting stuck in our sweaty sports bra with no one around to help free us

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I do NOT, and I cannot stress this enough, have the ability to stress things enough!

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ms. frizzle be like I know a spot and then takes you inside jakes esophagus

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So who else is still smiling at people, dogs and babies from behind a mask like a fool?

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I got me some lights to improve the quality of my zoom. Once I learn how to comb my hair, apply make up, sit up straight and look properly into the camera, its over for you hoes!

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I miss my friends but also absolutely do not remember who they are or what they look like

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Got a call from a comedy club where I apparently left my joke book pre-pandemic. To confirm it was mine the woman on the phone read back some of the jokes. It was mortifying because I definitely wrote them

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I'm in the mood to nonchalantly slice and eat an apple off the end of a dagger like a lady pirate who just won the ship in a drinking contest.

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me? in a open relationship? id rather boil one grain of rice at a time

. (@tabithalovex) July 1, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":".","author_url":"https://twitter.com/tabithalovex","cache_age":86400,"description":"me? in a open relationship? id rather boil one grain of rice at a time . 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When I have been at a party for 20-30 minutes pic.twitter.com/oNhRtfxwLA

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i'm just a girl
standing in front of her fridge
asking the food to cook itself for once

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goodreads should have an option between Currently Reading and Read for when you abandon a book, called I Tried. Fuck, Man, I Really Tried.

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My mother dug a well in a third world country with her bare hands so that her family could have a place to bathe and wash clothes

...and I am too lazy to delete apps off my phone because then I would have to rearrange them

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It should be legal to spray water on the faces of people not wearing masks like how you train dogs to get off your furniture.

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my sister was like I get traumatized by looking at you every day because youre so ugly and I look exactly you and I get reminded of how ugly I am and my mom, without missing a beat, goes imagine how I feel looking at you two everyday

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My sexual fantasy is you give me a fountain Diet Coke (large) and Venmo me $100,000 and then leave

Sophie (@jil_slander) July 2, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Sophie","author_url":"https://twitter.com/jil_slander","cache_age":86400,"description":"My sexual fantasy is you give me a fountain Diet Coke (large) and Venmo me $100,000 and then leave Sophie (@jil_slander) July 2, 2020\n\n","options":{"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Sophie on 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You cant expect to be successful if you spend all day scrolling Twitter on your phone. At some point you need to get your shit together and scroll Twitter on your laptop

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