Crazy that some people don't need glasses and can just rawdog vision like that

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Baby carrot inventor: ok so the idea is we make tiny little carrots

Investor: eh.........

Baby carrot inventor: BUT we make sure they are always soaking wet

Investor: youve got yourself a deal

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my fave collective lie that everyone has agreed to is when the box of q-tips says \"do not use inside ear canal \" and we the consumer are like \"we won't \"

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I hate when I go out in public and the public be there

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happy birthday to this crazy girly pic.twitter.com/fVETP8nRKR

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Spreading disease over the Thanksgiving holiday? Thats sooo 1621.

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pls forgive my student loans. they didn't mean to

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pro tip: if a man ever wants you to watch one of his boring man movies with him you dont even have to pay attention just turn to him and go holy shit every time the music gets really loud

ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) November 15, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"ellie schnitt","author_url":"https://twitter.com/holy_schnitt","cache_age":86400,"description":"pro tip: if a man ever wants you to watch one of his boring man movies with him you dont even have to pay attention just turn to him and go holy shit every time the music gets really loud ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) November 15, 2020\n\n","options":{"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"ellie schnitt on 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Me on a Zoom call pretending Im listening and not just looking at myself

pic.twitter.com/NzcZhZQvIt

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so what are we gonna do with all the daylight weve saved ? buy a house??

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This guy invites me to do Donuts in his car. First there was nothing glazed in there. Also a terrible driver next!

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Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, or just a low ha?

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gyms closing again???? I was about to start next week fr this time pic.twitter.com/e9ZzW0sSbd

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every sex tape should have an accompanying blooper reel

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It's Sunday. Everyone remember to change into a new outfit for the week.

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Excel has stories now too pic.twitter.com/022UwhPLHY

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my mom and I text like twice a month and this is usually how it goes pic.twitter.com/LqlxEOcdz0

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A friend is someone you can text Do I look good in yellow? and three dots appear and disappear twice before you get back No.

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a symbol of wealth among pigeons pic.twitter.com/3U6RPCVrin

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i b like idc then throw up from anxiety

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