Heres a little song I wrote about doing the kids laundry its called Why Are There Seashells in the Lint Trap We Dont Even Live Near an Ocean and a one and a two

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My kids could fart and my father-in-law would be like, Great job! Heres five bucks.

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A few years into being a parent you discover there is virtually zero difference between the sound of siblings happily playing together and the sound of siblings viciously trying to murder each other.

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One of the hardest parts of teaching your kids to be independent is watching them tie their shoes for 8 minutes.

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This is evil but nothing makes me happier than knowing a super healthy chef-type person I follow on Instagrams kids hate the healthy food at their house and binge Doritos when they visit their friends

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I try be honest with my kids in all situations unless I hear the ice cream truck coming in which case the music means theyre all out of ice cream.

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We are driving an hour away to a 9 AM appointment at a drive-thru exhibition called Jurassic Quest.......if this kid doesnt take care of me in my old age I swear to god

josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) August 16, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"josie duffy rice","author_url":"https://twitter.com/jduffyrice","cache_age":86400,"description":"We are driving an hour away to a 9 AM appointment at a drive-thru exhibition called Jurassic Quest.......if this kid doesnt take care of me in my old age I swear to god josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) August 16, 2020\n\n","options":{"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"josie duffy rice on 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All the grandparents out there watching grandkids while they attend virtual schooling: nows your chance to teach them cursive.

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More like detachment parenting am I right?!?

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I tracked 16s phone to see if he was where he was supposed to be. He was not. So I called 16 and asked where he was. He named the place he was supposed to be. I said oh REALLY? And the sound of his sighing realization that technology is a real bitch literally made my whole day.

Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 18, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Lady Lawya","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Parkerlawyer","cache_age":86400,"description":"I tracked 16s phone to see if he was where he was supposed to be. He was not. So I called 16 and asked where he was. He named the place he was supposed to be. I said oh REALLY? And the sound of his sighing realization that technology is a real bitch literally made my whole day. 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Any jeans can be mom jeans if theres random legos in the pockets.

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My kids giving me a dare while playing truth or dare:

I dare you to drink a whole glass of water without taking a breath...well, you should take breath...just drink it in thirty seconds...and if you cant, its ok, nothing happens!

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parenting is cooking food to a safe internal temperate and then waiting three hours until it cools back down to a temp my child can tolerate

That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 15, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"That Mom Tho","author_url":"https://twitter.com/mom_tho","cache_age":86400,"description":"parenting is cooking food to a safe internal temperate and then waiting three hours until it cools back down to a temp my child can tolerate That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 15, 2020\n\n","options":{"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"That Mom Tho on 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9yo asked why Big Brother was called Big Brother and was extremely baffled by our explanations. I admit its a bit weird to hear oh yes this funny reality show is named after the murderous totalitarian villain from a classic dystopian novel

Anne Thriault (@anne_theriault) August 17, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Anne Thriault","author_url":"https://twitter.com/anne_theriault","cache_age":86400,"description":"9yo asked why Big Brother was called Big Brother and was extremely baffled by our explanations. 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Being stuck at home with my kids all year means my Spotify 2020 Wrap Up is gonna be all kinds of fucked up.

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Teacher: There are 14 slices of bread in a loaf. What are the odds that your sandwich will have both of the end pieces?

Dads: 100%

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Me, to son: Let me open that Capri Sun for you; theyre tricky.

*pokes straw through side*

Damn! Get me another.

*stabs through side again*

DAMMIT! One more-

*pokes straw through the side*

Have some milk; its healthier.

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So Will and I just tried to explain to our 3 year old what we do for a living. She was not impressed. #ToddlersAreSavage

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True story. As a kid I had a marble collection. I kept it for 30 years and gave it to our first kid when he was old enough. Sadly they constantly ended up all over the house. Worried that our 3yo would choke on one I threw them away. My kids have literally made me lose my marbles

ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) August 17, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"ThreeTimeDaddy","author_url":"https://twitter.com/threetimedaddy","cache_age":86400,"description":"True story. As a kid I had a marble collection. I kept it for 30 years and gave it to our first kid when he was old enough. Sadly they constantly ended up all over the house. Worried that our 3yo would choke on one I threw them away. 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8-year-old: How many doughnuts can I have?

Me: One.

8: One total or one at a time?

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Just went & picked up our school supplies.

A pack of sticky notes & a handle of vodka.

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