10 Ways to Teach Your Kids What Actually Matters This Summer

Hint: It's not workbooks or tutors.

As a parenting writer, my email inbox is constantly flooded with PR pitches about motherhood. The closer we get to summer vacation, the more these pitches center around tips and tricks for preventing the dreaded "brain drain." You know, the loss of academic learning that occurs over summer vacation. In some circles, this is known as child happiness.

Of course, summer vacation looks very different for my autistic daughter who attends autism therapies five days a week. And even for neurotypical kids, I know there's a real loss of skills that occurs over summer vacation; I'm well aware that even NT kids enter school in the fall needing weeks, if not a month or two, to regain knowledge they gained the year before. I'm just not convinced this is an actual problem. Barring kids with special needs like my daughter, when did education become so... serious?

I have seven kids, and they range in age from 5 to 18. My oldest kids are in high school now and this has helped me calm the hell down about pretty much everything, including their academics. When my oldest daughter was struggling to read in kindergarten, I was ready to hire a tutor until her teacher convinced me to give her a little time. Sure enough, by the end of first grade, she was a competent and capable reader. So when my younger daughter wasn't reading at all, not even a little bit, in kindergarten, I downloaded a reading app on her iPad and reminded myself to chill out. She's been an avid reader ever since.

Grades aren't the be-all-and-end-all in my household. While I encourage my kids to pay attention and do well in school it's because good grades make their lives easier, not because I view their schooling as the focal point of their lives. I've seen how my kids learn, and most of it happens watching YouTube science videos and reading history books for fun. Their schooling is an important aspect of life, but it shouldn't be the only thing they (or I) focus on. 

With this in mind, I've created my own list of must-have tips and tricks for your NT kids' summer vacation. These tips may not get your kids into Harvard, but here's a secret: no one's admission to Harvard hinges on their ability to recall fractions and long-division in third grade. 

1. Get Really Dirty

Be honest. How often do your kids come in from playing outside covered in dirt from head to toe? In my household, this is (somewhat unfortunately) a daily occurrence. Over summer vacation, getting completely, disgustingly filthy at least once a week isn't just acceptable, it's pretty much required.

2. Choose Their Own Adventure

During an average school day, kids have no opportunity to make their own choices. They are shuffled from one classroom and subject to the next, and all of their breaks are scheduled for them. If your kids participate in sports or other after-school activities, they have even less unscheduled time. Summer vacation is the perfect time to let kids experience unstructured time and to begin to schedule their own activities... even when that activity is just drawing with chalk in the front yard. 

Don't be afraid to give kids alone time, too. Let them play in the backyard by themselves or take the dog for a walk. It's important for kids to build their independence and autonomy, and to gain confidence in themselves as individuals. 

3. Get Really, Really Bored

I know, bored kids are underfoot and whiny. It's always tempting to hand them an iPad and enjoy a solid minute to yourself. And you definitely should do that without a single ounce of guilt sometimes. But it's also important for kids to have that umbilical cord cut and the screens put away, and to be sent outside to entertain themselves. If heading outside isn't an option, send them upstairs, into their own bedroom, or wherever else they can be left to their own devices. Nothing breeds creativity like boredom, and I guarantee you once the whining wears itself out, your kids will be building rocket ships or pony costumes for hours.

4. Do Something For Someone Else

I like to think of this as building the "pull your head out of your own ass" skill. It's incredibly easy for all of us to get caught up in our own needs and wants, and to forget about how we impact each other. For kids, empathy is a muscle that needs to be exercised to grow. Let your kids come up with ideas for ways they can help each other and their community, and put some of your time and energy into nurturing their interest in helping others.

5. Play For Hours

Every weekend, it seems like my kids have to re-learn the fine art of playing. And these are kids who attend a funky alternative school! But in most schools these days, there just isn't much room for playing. My kids bicker and fight, and wear all of us out, but eventually they remember how to create, negotiate, and entertain each other for hours. Summer vacation is a months-long opportunity for kids to do exactly that. And, when kids are young, this is exactly how they build everything from creativity to social skills. 

6. Go Low-Tech

There's nothing wrong with screen time, and you'll never find me demonizing it. But the reality is that screens give all of us an easy out. You don't have to find ways to entertain yourself as long as there's a screen to do it for you. That's why I make sure my kids spend most of their time completely unplugged and save the screen time for the evenings when everyone is tired and crabby anyway. Knowing it's off the table during the day prevents any battles over screens and helps my kids focus on other things. 

7. Let Them Figure It Out

Sure, it's tempting to negotiate every argument your kids have like it's the United Nations. It ends the conflict quickly and easily, and brings peace to chaos. But kids learn to work out their own issues when adults step back and let them figure it out. I'm not suggesting you tolerate true bullying or cruelty, but all of those tattle tale moments don't require adult intervention. You're not doing your kids any favors by doing their emotional work for them, so let them begin to navigate these waters themselves.

8. Ignore Them

In a culture that demonizes even a moment of parental inattention, this may seem like terrible advice. But I firmly believe that kids need to learn that they are loved, valued, and important... and also members of a society full of equally loved, valued, and important people, too. This means waiting their turn, recognizing their parents have other priorities and interests, and learning that the world doesn't actually revolve around them. It may seem impossible to teach these lessons within a loving, compassionate framework, but I've found that it's less difficult than I expected. The only person who really gets upset when I tell my kids that I'm busy is... me. 

9. Read All The Books

Workbooks and tutors and skill-building exercises have no place in a summer vacation. But books? There's no such thing as too many books. No one should ever be forced to read, but I've never had a problem convincing my kids to read simply by leaving interesting books around or taking them to a bookstore and letting them pick out a new book. Research shows that reading pretty much anything gives kids the same benefits as reading the canon, so don't push them toward Shakespeare and Dante quite yet. Let them read what they love, and nurture that love of reading while they are young.

And when they've spent a sunny summer day reading for a few hours, send them outside and remind them that there's a whole real world out there, too.

10. Have Fun

This seems obvious, yet so little of our lives as parents these days centers around the simple act of having fun. Kids are supposed to work hard and learn all the things while parents are placed under a microscope over every tiny decision. Tuning out as much of that noise as possible and simply enjoying your kids is the most important part of summer vacation. Family vacations are always equal parts entertaining and exhausting, but those memories and bonds lay the foundation for your future relationships. Stop worrying about learning, GMOs, food dyes, or whether that ice cream is organic, give your kids the gift of being kids, and let yourself have a little fun, too.