5 Superhero Skills You Hone As A New Mom

Motherhood is no joke.

Whether you have one kid or 10, your life changes dramatically in every way some expected and some that smack you right in the face.

Im on my second child (and last), but my first stint with a newborn was 8 years ago, so its been a hot minute. I suppose its kind of synonymous to the whole riding a bike metaphorif that bike was on fire and you were being chased by a wild pack of effing hyenas as you desperately tried to get to the nearest body of water (weird analogy? Im sleep deprived, so deal with it.)

On the bright side, new moms literally discover a whole new set of skills they never even knew they had. Like incognito superheroes.

1) We can do anything with one hand.

Actually, I am typing this as we speak with one hand.

Seriously...see photo above. Its not a stock photo. Its real life.

We can also singlehandedly (literally) make coffee, cook dinner, eat a meal, pack your other childs lunch and snack, do laundry, empty the dishwasher and countless other things.

2) We move at the speed of light.

Seriously, nobody eats a meal faster than a mom with a sleeping baby. Im talking from unhinging your jaw like a python to get a sandwich down, or shoving a piping hot piece of pizza in your mouth risking third degree burns to the roof of your mouth. I can also shower in about 4.2 seconds (add additional 7 seconds for shaving, 10 if were going above the knees). I call it a prison shower. Ive never been to prison, but I assume you want to be in and out of the shower in record time.

3) We could survive as zombies if there were ever an apocalypse.

Or rather, mombies. We dont only survive on minimal sleep, we effing thrive (see one-handed schtick above). We basically pour coffee down our throats and make shit happen. We put those club kids who could last all night at a rave, to shame. Yeah, youre cute with your glowsticks and lollipops at 3amtry changing a blowout diaper at 3:30am, like a boss, and then well talk.

4) We are straight up ninjas.

Like for real. We can put a sleeping baby down without them even knowing and then silently army crawl out of the room with the agility and dexterity of a cheetah.

5) We (mostly) hold it together all the effing time.

Despite the major lack of sleep; painful, never-ending bouts of colic; a child who only wants to be held or worn; sore, cracked, bloody nipples; being hooked up to a breast pump when you are not shoving your boobs in your babys mouth, and responding to the constant, mom, mommy, mama!! calls from your other kids to change the channel on the TV when the remote is right next to themwe just hold it together and make it work the best we can.

So yeah, I think its safe to say that moms everywhere are reaching superhero status everyday. Its just how we roll. Keep killing it, mamas!