6 Reasons Why I Dont Force My Children To Share

Through the happy noise of children running, climbing, playing at a local park, I am with my son in the sand box I hear a parents voice saying now Billy, give that truck to Johnny, you need to share it.

I notice the childs grip on the truck getting tighter, and I hear the voice again: give it to him please, you can play with another toy.

As I looked into the confused eyes of this child, I found myself unintentionally feeling sorry for him. No words are spoken, but his young, small face cannot hide the confusion and resistance he is obviously experiencing.

His expression says why do I have to give it to him? This is mine. Not his. Its my favourite toy. I dont want anyone playing with it.

He is forced to give up his prized possession.

At first, you might think Sharing is being generous. Our children need to learn to share. But I ask you, even for a moment, to be open to another way of thinking. After all, how much progress can we expect in our own lives if were not open?

Weve been influenced by experts telling us how to raise our children and how our children should behave. As parents, weve lost that inner voice inside telling us when something doesnt feel right.

Think about this for a moment:

Societys sign of a good baby is one that soothes himself, doesnt fuss, and sleeps all night in a crib.

Societys sign of a good toddler is one that plays without her parents, shares toys, cooperates, listens to authority and doesnt act out.

Why should these things be the mark of all good children?

Sharing is a symbol of kindness & generosity. But how early should we expect our children to share? How early are they able to learn empathy?

We want to prepare our children for life out there in the real world. Dont we?

Yes, its counter-intuitive. But forcing our child to share is moving BACKWARDS, not forward.

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Here are 6 reasons why its time to reconsider asking our children to share:

1) Some toys are just too special to share Perhaps a parent or a best friend gave it to them. Or perhaps its a toy thats been with the child since the beginning. Chances are, they wont want to let it go or watch someone else play with it. Its not fair to force them, or even ask them to do this. Even if it's for the comfort of the other child.

2) Children have a difficult time grasping this concept When we model the behaviour we want to see in our child, it will eventually come naturally to them. When we are kind, generous and loving, our child will be as well.

This is fantastic as the child gets older. Very young children, however, cannot grasp the idea of letting another child play with their toys. Even if their parents model sharing. Children under 3 specifically arent able to process or understand empathy.

3) Respect, autonomy and the basic rights of a child Sharing is fantastic and generous. But only if a person chooses to do it. Since when did forcing a child to share become an accepted part of child-rearing? To a child, forcing is forcing. Where's the line drawn? Can adults also force children to do other things?

When we train children to listen to what adults tell them, theyll grow up thinking all adults should have power over them, in all sorts of undesirable situations.

We believe in a childs basic rights. We believe in preserving a persons autonomy. We believe people (yes, even children) should be able to make these important decisions on their own. We don't believe our children are here merely to impress or obey us.

If we respect children, theyll respect us and people around them. Period.

4) Ownership (of things and people) We want our children to have responsibly for their things. We, as parents and adults, arent expected to share our valuables (like our computers, sneakers, watches, collection of vinyl records, whatever).

So why should we expect our child to do something that isn't expected of older people?

They will decide, and we can help.

In a world where the State owns people, and more powerful people own people, children's rights seem to be washed down the drain. Children seem to fall just slightly above animals in terms of what's expected and how we "teach" them.

We dont own our children. We dont own people, we own things. No one is entitled to my things. Just like I am not entitled to theirs. If I want to GIVE someone something, that's my prerogative.

5) The world out there In the real world: if an adult is using something, is it given to another person simply because they want it?

No. When an adult is using something, another person waits until they are finished. As adults, we dont own everything we see. Most adults wouldn't take something from someone else, simply because they want it.

So, why then, are we asking our children to do this?

It does a child a great disservice to teach him or her that simply because they want something, they can have it.

Which leads me to my final point....

6) Teaching Patience Everything in life cannot be ours at the drop of a hatcan it?

I've already established that children shouldn't have to give something up, just because someone else wants it. By the same token, its an important lesson that we dont step all over others to get what we want. We are not entitled to everything we want, at the moment we want it.

When our children want something someone is playing with, we ask our child if theyd like to find something else to play with until their friend is finished. If necessary, I even sit down and play another game with my child.

When children are playing, we dont often interfere, even when conflict arrises. But if we see it escalate, and the toy isn't given back, I simply ask them how it would feel if someone took something from him before finishing with it. It works.

In a world of microwaves, computers and fast food, weve lost one important and valuable skill: patience.

Its important to model this for a child. Notice I don't say "teach", I say model.

Through our actions, we can show our children how to be patient, caring, generous and loving individuals. The best way to lead a child is by doing something ourselves everyday first. And by this, our children will also feel like they have power over their own decisions.

So, what do we do when friends come over for a playdate? Before a friend comes over, we go around the playroom together and put away the special toys. My child and I choose toys and games that can be played with as a team with their friends, as well as toys that can be played individually.

The toys she doesn't want others to play with or share are put away. Remembering that this is a phase, and it will pass, we've learned to go with the flow. We can all have fun and get along by playing with sharing toys.

All this being said, we *do* encourage our children to be generous with each other and with their friends. We tell them how fun it can be to play with toys together.

If our children *want* to share, of course were thrilled! But if not, were fine too.

They can make their own choices and decide what to share and with whom. This is the way to raise generous adults.

Disappointment will happen. We can lead our children and help them cope with it. This will help them achieve more through patience, diligence and ambition.

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Margaux is the CEO of one of the most popular organic, natural, cruelty-free deodorants, The Best Deodorant In The World , a company she started out of her kitchen. It can now be found in stores and online world-wide. Her passion is helping families understand the importance of eliminating toxins, living sustainably and using amazing, natural products that dont harm our bodies, animals or planet.

Margaux consults with parents on how to start a company like hers from scratch, and how to create an income while staying home with their children. She is a compassionate, heart-centred entrepreneur who works with parents and company owners, both new and already established. Operating by two very simple philosophies: People over profit and Profit With a Purpose, she has been able to follow her heart and make an impact in her clients lives. When she is not with her husband and 3 children, much of her time is spent with parenting experts, birth practitioners, medical professionals and natural living celebrities.

She has built close friendships with many of the worlds most accomplished and respected practitioners, authors, speakers, doctors, midwives, doulas, parenting experts and celebrities in the birth, parenting and entrepreneurial spaces.

Margaux just completed a book Ultimate Guide To Organic Groceries with Joanne Young, who is personal chef to Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady.