A Fourth Grader's New Year's Resolutions

Its almost time for a new year to start, and boy am I excited! My mom keeps saying that every new year just brings her more gray hair, but I think her hair looks the same as it always has. I say its all in her mind; she says its all in a boxa Lady Clairol box, to be precise. As for me, I just cant wait for January 1, because every new year brings me a little closer to growing up, and growing up will be the best thing in the whole worldright, Journal?

In school weve been talking about setting New Years resolutions, and Ive really been thinking about mine. They have to be just perfect, because theyre obviously crucial to my growth and development and I absolutely cannot break them. Nobody but 88% of people breaks their New Years resolutionsright, Journal?

With that in mind, Im excited to officially present my resolutions. They are to, in no particular order:

1. BECOME A PROFESSIONAL ROLLER SKATER: Journal, you should see the new roller skates I got for Christmas! Theyre purple and white and they have toe stoppers and everything! My plan is to practice every day so I can become a professional roller skater when I grow up. Ok, so maybe I dont know how to skate yet, and maybe I havent actually taken my skates out of the box since I got them, and maybe I liked the idea of skating more than the skating itself, but I just know Im going to be amazing. One day. When I take them out of the box. Maybe. My mom says this is a very lofty resolution, but I say I should reach for the starsright, Journal?

2. EAT LESS CANDY: This ones gonna be hard, Journal. My mom says candy will rot my teeth, and my dad says too much sugar isnt good for me, and I know theyre probably right, so Im definitely going to eat less candy. I mean, Ill still eat candy, like when Im at a party or its Halloween or its a special occasion or I go through the drive thru at the bank or on days that end in y, but I should definitely cut back on my sugar intake because its bad for meright, Journal?

3. SAVE MY MONEY: Next year, no matter what, Im gonna save my money for that big-ticket item Ive been wantingyou know, the one Mom and Dad said Id have to pay for myself? Ill save my allowance and my birthday money and the cash I made filling the neighbors birdfeeders when she was out of town, and I will buy it. I definitely wont spend my money on countless packs of chewing gum when I go to the grocery store with my mom, and I definitely wont buy 97 piece-of-junk items from the Dollar Spot at Target because #Target. NopeIm gonna save my money. Well, most of it. I do like gum an awful lot, and a pack or twenty of gum would be alrightright, Journal?

4. STOP SAYING MOM SO MUCH: My mom ignores me a lot, and she says its because she doesnt hear me. I dont know how she doesnt hear me, because I say her name over and over and over and over again. Mom! Mom! MOM! MOMMY! MOOOOOM! She says I say her name so many times that she just tunes me out, so next year I resolve to only say her name when I really need her for something. Like when I cant find my shoes, the ones that only I wear and I definitely saw last? Or like when Im on the toilet and I suddenly need to holler across the house for her to ask if we can go to Chick-fil-A? And I will definitely need to say Mom when my dad is right next to me and is able to help me himself, because what does he know anyway? Moms gonna be so proud of me for my self-restraintright, Journal?

5. GO TO BED WITHOUT COMPLAINT: You and I both know Im getting older, Journal, and with more maturity comes a later bedtime. The problem is, my parents seem to think an 11pm bedtime in 4th grade is extreme, and they insist I turn in by 9pm because they want me to get enough sleep, or something strange like that. We argue almost every night, and while I know Im right, Im starting to see that if I want to convince them to let me stay up later, I wont be able to do it by starting a fight. So, I resolve to initiate peaceful negotiations with my mom andzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzOH, WOW, so sorry about that. I mustve dozed off while I was writing that last part, but it was not because Im tired. Sleep is for wimpsright, Journal? Journal? JOURNAL? ARE YOU AWAKE?

I guess its time to wrap this up, then. I have set some stellar New Years resolutions, obviously, and I cant wait to see the progress Ive made on them 365 days from now. I will most definitely be the healthiest, wealthiest, most well-rested and independent professional roller skater the world has ever knownright, Journal?

------------------------------------------

Follow Jordan on social media (FB - @feelfree2laugh, Insta - @feelfreetolaughofficial). Also, if you havent read her latest book, grab a copy now at Amazon.com !