A Lesson In Gender Pronouns For My Fellow Former English Majors

The Tuesday before the Womens March, I stood in my kitchen, just outside the DC border, on the phone with my eldest son.

Well drive down on Friday, he said. Can we stay with you?

Of course, I said, figuring he meant himself and his wife.

Sonyas coming, too, he added.

Ah. That last bit of information gave me pause. I hesitated, not because I dislike Sonya (in fact, I think Sonyas pretty spectacular), but rather because I didnt know how to ask about sleeping accommodations.

wait

That was a lie.

(Sorry.)

Actually, I did know what to say. I just didnt want to say what I knew I was supposed to. I was supposed to refer to Sonya as they.

Sonya, you see, is non-binary. That means that Sonya doesnt identify as either male or female. That also means, for me, a conversational thicket. Let me be clear: I have absolutely no quarrel with gender ambiguity. Grammatical ambiguity, though, kind of ticks me off.

Oh, I saw the problem. Someone nonbinary doesnt want to be referred to as he or she, when that person isnt either. I got that, and thought it a dilemma warranting a solution. But for me, using they to refer to one person was no answer. Surely you see my point?

Son: They are coming for dinner.

Mom: Great! How many places shall I set?

Or, rather, in this case,

Son: They are coming to stay.

Mom: Great! How many air mattresses do I need to set up?

This seemed, to me, like needless confusion. There are virtually infinite words available to be created as nonbinary pronouns. Why co-opt one thats already in use? Why not come up with something completely new? I said as much to my son.

Harrumph. Grammatical terrorism, I groused.

Language evolves, he replied, unruffled.

Well. Indeed it does.

Starting to consider that perhaps I was taking a stand on an issue I didnt fully understand, I did some research. And as it turns out, Im a little late to the party. The American Dialect Society declared the singular they as the 2015 word of the year, writing, among other things:

The use of singular they builds on centuries of usage, appearing in the work of writers such as Chaucer, Shakespeare, and Jane Austen. In 2015, singular they was embraced by the Washington Post style guide. Bill Walsh, copy editor for the Post, described it as the only sensible solution to Englishs lack of a gender-neutral third-person singular personal pronoun.

Okay, I got the idea. ButI admitI still didnt embrace it.

Fast-forward to the weekend of the march, at which I set just one plate for Sonya, and provided but one single pillow. We all marched together, chanted together, stood up for human rights that matter not just to ourselves, but to each other, and to folks well never meet. The march was powerful, positive and empowering.

Late that evening, still exhilarated and pondering the wide swath of humanity with whom Id spent the day, I decided to ask Sonya about the pronoun issue.

Can I ask you about something personal? I asked.

Sure, Sonya replied.

Why are you they?

I dont have to be they, Sonya said, rather patiently, I thought. You can call me one, ze, sie or hir, if that makes you more comfortable.

The last part of Sonyas sentence let me finally see the perspective that Id thus far missed: my clinging to old-school grammar was just wrong. How I refer to Sonyaespecially, an identifying pronouncant be about what makes me most comfortable. My words should be those that make Sonya most comfortable.

I have my pronoun. Im a she. No ambiguity for me, so being referred to as such doesnt make me feel invalidated, invisible or whatever Sonya must feel when spoken about in either of the only two singular pronouns we have, neither of which describes Sonya.

I do still think that non-binary pronouns would garner broader acceptance faster, if the pronoun wasnt a toe-stub for anyone at all. But having finally considered a point of view other than my ownthe point of view by the person most affected by my language choiceIm officially finished with my muttered grammatical rants, every time my son mentions Sonya.

In fact, next time I talk to my son, Ill make sure to tell him how happy I was to see them.