Academy Awards To Be Cancelled, Replaced By Three-Hour Death Reel

The annual Academy Awards ceremony scheduled for Sunday has been cancelled and will be replaced by a three-hour compilation reel of all the film artists who died in 2016. This is the only possible way to be sure we include every person who left us last year, said Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences spokesperson/bingo manager Xander Van Sellenoff. We still get hate mail and death threats from people who are angry that we forgot DeForest Kelley during the 2000 awards and we dont want to go through that hell again.

The Oscar statuettes will be handed out Monday morning at the parking lot of Burbanks new IKEA, in a ceremony which will not be televised or streamed and is estimated to last about five minutes. Said Van Sellenoff: If no one actually sees La La Land win Best Picture, then maybe it wont count.