I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids

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I know that as parent you're supposed to listen to your kids but most of what they say is such horseshit

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Pretty sure that my deathbed scenario will just be me & my kids taking turns telling each other to get off our phones

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When my kids and I have a water fight it still takes me at least two full minutes to remember to not ruthlessly dominate

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Daughter: \"In that Xmas song where they say 'mom & dad can hardly wait for school to start again,' do you ever feel that way?\"
Me: \"Yes.\"

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My wife is an excellent mother, & I try to be the best father I can be because fuck her she's not going to beat me at this

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I cannot stop myself from insulting the shitty you-tube tween star movie my daughter is watching. Other than that, I am a perfect father

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If you're wondering if you're cut out for parenthood, you need to ask yourself \"am I ready to have all my shit fucked with forever?\"

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I think my children have wasted 85% of all their lifetime beverages

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Can't decide what to call my parenting book. Either \"Everyman Father\" or \"These Fuckin' Kids Should Kiss My Goddamn Feet.\"

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Some parenting news from the outlet mall: you CAN just tell your crying toddler to shut up. It doesn't work, but it can be done, apparently

Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 11, 2012","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Andy Richter","author_url":"https://twitter.com/AndyRichter","cache_age":86400,"description":"Some parenting news from the outlet mall: you CAN just tell your crying toddler to shut up. 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Sometimes get impatient w my kids' forgetfulness & then I recall I was in my 30s when I figured out I should get a towel b4 I get in shower

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Nice thing about living w kids: if you need quick sip of something to take a pill or whatever, always a warm half-drunk bev within 2 steps

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A parenting discovery I made that I still haven't completely wrapped my head around is that you really don't have to be a dick all the time

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Best part of Parent Trap is how nobody ever calls the parents who kept twin girls ignorant of each other \"selfish monstrous pig people\"

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Playing team sports is a great way for kids to experience getting yelled at outside of the home

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Had Parent/Teacher conference. Seems the only issue is my daughter's inability to focus, but I had sorta zoned out, so I can't be sure.

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\"Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.\" - from upstairs, my son the hint-taker

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Look, just because I have kids doesn't mean I'll compromise my belief that erotic birthday cakes simply taste better

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My wife & daughter apparently were so inspired by seeing the movie Ladybird yesterday that they are upstairs now improvising a scene based on it

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Netflix is an absolute bonanza of incredibly shitty knock-off CG-animation children's movies & my daughter has found every one

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Asking my children to go get something for me is basically asking them to go to another room and forget why they are there

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\"Dad, teamwork never quits!\" - my idiot 7yo daughter when I wanted to stop building her stupid puzzle

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The ad guy who had the idea for the new dad in the Taco Bell ad to indignantly insist that a stranger hold his baby has never had children

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bored daughter, beaten dad pic.twitter.com/YFIVPLhYFV

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If my daughter cries in the night & I go to her & say WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT I'M THE ONE WHO'LL BE DEAD IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE

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Finding out that, while I love my daughter very much, I guess I don't sit-and-watch-her-play-Minecraft love her.

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At my son's school & walked past grp of high school boys & it was like having an Old Spice deodorant stick smeared on my upper lip

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Cashier, when I said no to my kid re: candy: \"I'm bad at telling my kid no\"
My daughter:\"I ask for so much stuff he's gotta say no sometime\"

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When my wife & daughter discuss packing for camp it's like eavesdropping on a marketplace scene from a Bible movie!

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At mall. My mom repeatedly panics & asks where my daughter is (she's 10 ft away). Want to yell 7 YEARS & I HAVEN'T LOST HER YET but I don't.

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ADVICE FOR NEW FATHERS: Nobody likes raising kids, so just shut up and pitch in.

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