My wife is annoyed because I didn't put the spices back in the cabinet according to her proven scientific method.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 8, 2020

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) February 25, 2020

Pretty sure my wifes memoir would be called: Oh my god, just take the extra 2 seconds and put it in the dishwasher.

— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) September 16, 2019

Me: *chewing*

Wife: what did I do to deserve this?

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 24, 2019

My husband thinks that if he whistles, but quietly, it won't bother me as much.

NOT SO.

— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) February 21, 2020

Ohh goodie...

The season to be pissed off at your spouse for leaving their Kleenex in their pants thats now in the lint catcher is upon us.

yay.

— Your Favorite Gay Mom (@lezzimomof2) November 8, 2020

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one Hi text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 12, 2019

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husbands dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

— Maryfairyboberry (@maryfairybobrry) February 27, 2020

Husband: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

Husband: *sneezes again*

Me: I cant live like this.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 11, 2021

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair thats 2 feet away from the hamper.

- My husband

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 9, 2019

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everythings packed up and well actually be on time if we leave right this second, lets get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) October 27, 2018

I thought I was happily married & then my husband put the toilet paper on the wrong way.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 1, 2020

My wife likes to unload the dishwasher and put them all onto the kitchen counter ... go do something else and then forget about them all stacked up jenga style

God help me!!

— TitsforTat (@magicalchaos14) February 23, 2021

Marriage is basically cleaning the kitchen and then walking away for 2 seconds and then coming back and seeing the kitchen is destroyed again and getting super annoyed over and over again until you die.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 22, 2020

After 22 years my best marriage advice is don't marry someone who sets his two phones and alarm clock to go off at 5min intervals and then always hits snooze for at least an hour.

— E. (@YourMomsucksTho) September 3, 2018

Thinking about making an audio recording of me eating cereal and clanking my spoon on the bowl just to send to my wife when we are in a fight.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 24, 2021

One of my superpowers pissing my wife off by asking rhetorical questions.

— Forward March (@RunOldMan) November 28, 2020

Sorry we're late, my husband had to drive around the parking lot 5 times till he found a spot he liked.

— Moderately Mom (@moderately_mom) November 10, 2019

marriage is still choosing to sleep next to someone every night even though they try to tell you how to drive and load the dishwasher correctly which makes my husband a saint

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 26, 2021

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018

Me: Can you go to the store?
Husband: Sure.
Me: *gives him a grocery list*
Husband: *forgets several items*
Me: Did you look at the list?
Husband: No, I forgot.
(Repeats weekly)

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 18, 2020

My wife gets mad if we put the milk back in the fridge with only one sip left which is weird based on all her 96% empty shampoo bottles.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 14, 2020

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 28, 2020

If I became a ghost, Id just be petty. Like throwing the bread at my husbands head when he doesnt close the bag and sprinkling his beard hair on his pillow when he leaves it all over the sink. And writing Close the garage door on the wall in blood.

— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) July 9, 2018

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife shes been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 15, 2020

Have you ever been annoyed at the way someone rolls over in bed?

Congratulations. You're married.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 5, 2019

Im at my most annoyed sitcom wife when I find out at the last minute that company will be coming for dinner.

— The Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) December 9, 2017

In an effort to nag less, instead of complaining of my husband not flushing the toilet AGAIN, I just walked right up to him and said, Your poop looks really normal today, you back on your probiotic?

— Darlin Darla (@Darlainky) May 18, 2021