Are You an Author Just Because You Say You Are?

During my extensive travels throughout the cyber-asylum known as Facebook , I have noticed that some members have affixed the word Author to their profile names, as in Author John Doe or John Doe Author. When I first observed this phenomenon, I thought that a great many people were named Arthur and that each of them had misspelled it.

Sometimes, the word appears in parenthesis; sometimes the word is Writer. Same difference. When the word follows the persons name, there is seldom a comma, which calls into question the so-called authors grasp of punctuation.

But never mind that.

Granted, I have not explored all the nooks and crannies of this cyber-wasteland, nor do I have any desire to, but it seems that Author is the only term applied in this manner for I have yet to come across anyone called Appliance Repairman John Doe or Jane Doe Neurologist or Bob Smith Ramada Inn Concierge or President of General Motors Joe Schmo.

Frankly, if I wished to add a profession to my name, I would not choose Author, as this vocation is a lonely practice characterized by many years of toil, endless rewriting, general anonymity, frustratingly inattentive agents, awful reviews, a tragic paucity of groupies save perhaps for the random starry-eyed librarian, and that it seldom produces more than a poverty-level livelihood.

On the bright side, it is a passable form of self-expression when accomplished with style and eloquence and, more importantly, requires only a laptop computer and a cursory knowledge of basic spelling and sentence structure which most people with an ounce of wit can recall from their school days and thus easily reproduce on a grocery list. Or 250 pages filled with words and called A Novel. I have noted that many of these so-called novels are published by a company known as Createspace, which must be quite profitable as this name appears with amazing frequency.

Is there perchance some glamour or status in being an author that I am not aware of? Is it the librarians?

Now if I were to add a profession to my Facebook moniker, I would choose something really cool, albeit equally far-fetched, such as Rock Superstar John Blumenthal or Owner Of Strip Club Franchise John Blumenthal or Yankees Pitching Sensation John Blumenthal or Swashbuckling Pirate John Blumenthal, or John Blumenthal King of Belgium.

But Author? Surely you jest. Everybodys a goddamn Author.