Cancer Is Awkward

How To Talk To Someone With Cancer

After being diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma last October, I realized more and more how awkward everyone got when the topic was brought up. Although cancer has become quite common nowadays, people are still unsure of how to, or even if, they should address it.

For the most part, Im open to talking about it and am un-phased by questions and curiosity; however, it has also made me a bit socially awkward.

We get all weird around the Cword, to the point that it can be uncomfortable for both the person diagnosed and the others in the conversation to talk about it.

Do you bring it up, or do you not? Do you ask how things are going with treatment or do you just talk about other things? Do you ask about prognosis or other questions out of curiosity?

Here are some ways to ease the awkwardness and let the other person feel its okay to share the very real journey they are on.

Be Okay With Talking About It

Increasingly, I found it difficult to bring up in conversation. Most of the time I didnt need or want to anyway. Its just something Im going through, and yes it takes up a lot of time, but overall, Im just doing my thing.

What I found is that when it does come up, it tends to shuts down conversation. People are just going about their day, and to hear that you are going through cancer throws them off. It creates that awkward pause. Oh, they say. Im so sorry. They dont know what else to say.

I want to tell them they dont have to be sorry. That its life, and Im okay. Im just letting you know because I dont know how else to describe my absence, thoughtlessness, forgetfulness, lack of keeping in contact, needing extensions, etc.

Dont let this revelation be a conversation stopper. Ask questions, or even simply ask, Oh wow, I had no idea. Do you want to tell me more about it?

This leaves the door open for them to divulge more information or politely decline.

This is true for any hard conversation miscarriage, death of a loved one, divorce. Be open to giving space to people to share or go inward, depending where they are in the process.

Be Okay With Awkward Details

Its happened more than once that someone would say I looked tired or asked if I was okay, and Id simply say something about not feeling well. Inevitably, the person asks if I have a cold or flu or the stomach bug thats been going around. Um, not quite...

Ive felt like I have to dance around it. Are you honest and say you have cancer or just smile and nod? I wonder if people with heart or kidney problems have this dilemma. I sometimes wonder if the word cancer brings up some kind of finality that makes it harder to discuss openly than other medical conditions.

Sometimes we have weird stuff going on in our bodies. Things I had no idea would happen, like losing sensation in my tongue or my voice changing completely.

Trust me. Im new to this, Im just as perplexed as you.

Its perfectly acceptable to shrug and say, Wow. How weird. I had no idea.

Be Okay With Giving Special Treatment (Or Withholding It)

Do we expect special treatment? No. Are we uncomfortable getting it? Many times, yes!

Do we sometimes need it? Totally.

Sometimes the only way I can truly explain why I missed a deadline or important date is because, well, I was in surgery, or I had a medical emergency, or I really had no idea that 10 days after chemo, Id still be as sick as I was. When I book appointments or meetings, I really do think Ill be feeling well by then.

Sometimes my siblings or friends would joke about pulling the cancer card, and I have resisted thus far. I have only used it legitimately when I missed a months worth of classes at the college due to surgeries and needed a doctors note. And twice to get in to see my family doctor sooner than I may have otherwise been able to get in. (Hey, when youre immunocompromised, that cancer card can be a necessity.)

Be okay with offering special accommodations, or extending a helping hand and also leave it open for the person to say, Hey I am doing all right, Ill meet the deadline or Ill be there as promised. Most of the time, we really do want to carry on life as usual and not have a constant reminder that we are sick.

Be Okay Offering Help Without Needing An Explanation

Early on, after my diagnosis, I was at the grocery store, and after an hour of struggling to get through the aisles and finish up my shopping, I reached the checkout counter totally exhausted and short of breath. I asked the cashier if there was someone who could help me bag groceries, and she looked at me and said, Is there something wrong with your hands?

I was stunned. I said, No. She then asked me if I had a disability of some sort. I couldnt believe it. In that moment, I had no idea what to respond. Part of me was upset, and I wanted to say, No, but I have three large tumors in my chest that make it hard for me to breathe and Im completely wiped out, so I could use the help, just to see her squirm. What I actually said was nothing.

It was so awkward. How do you respond to that?

I had asked for help at the checkout counter before and never been questioned. Now, suddenly, I felt it was a thing. Outwardly I look relatively healthy and young with no visible disabilities or special needs, but inside, I wasnt doing too great.

Moral of the story is, if someone is asking for help, they probably need it. Theres no need to go fishing for a justification.

Be Okay With Saying, You Dont Always Have To Be Strong.

Asking for help is a hard thing for many people. We want to prove we can do things on our own and that we are independent. Thats for anyone, really: healthy, sick and everything in between. When you find yourself dependent due to a medical condition, and you lose some of that independence, we can sometimes push ourselves more to show we arent using cancer as an excuse.

Perhaps its an effort to regain some of that lost independence. Perhaps its out of stubbornness. The fact is that we sometimes need a reality check and to have someone we love say to us, I know you can do it, AND Im going to take that off your plate for you anyway.

Be Okay With The Real Answer To How Are You?

I have a very hard time being fake. I am honest to a fault. When someone asks, How are you? I have to force myself to respond with the typical nicety, Fine, thank you.

For me, How are you? is an invitation to share. On a normal, healthy, upbeat day, thats easier. On the days when Im fine emotionally, but have some real physical symptoms going on? Not so much.

I want to say the typical fine response because, truly, overall Im great, considering everything thats going on. Sometimes though, they push because they dont believe you. So then youre like, Well... Im losing sensation in my fingers and toes and the nausea is really bad. Other than that, Im good!

Cue looks of pity and you wishing you didnt say anything.

So yes, when youre talking to someone with cancer, you have to be prepared for a not-so-rosy picture. Be okay with that. Sometimes there are whirlwind days of treatment and doctor appointments and procedures, and not much time to just exhale and share some of whats happening. Dont feel like you need to fix anything. Just being physically present to listen is more than enough.

Be Okay With Sharing Your Own Challenges

Something I noticed is that friends or colleagues of mine would ask how I was doing, and then when I would ask them the same, theyd give me a short snippet, if anything at all. I began to notice that friends were checking on me, but werent saying much when I checked in on them. One evening while speaking to a colleague, she shared her very difficult health challenges and then stopped mid-sentence to apologize. Im so sorry Im telling you all of this, you have cancer for Gods sakes.

Aah, now it makes sense. Just because I have cancer doesnt mean that I cant listen or empathize with your life challenges. We all have them. They just show up in different packages. Mine just happens to be called cancer, but its not any more or less important than the challenges you are going through. Besides, we really do not want to be the constant center of attention or the only topic of conversation. To leave us out of your lives just further isolates us. I want to know what is going on in your life. I want to extend a listening ear or advice or a sounding board for your ideas. I want life to carry on as normal as it can, with maybe a few adjustments.

Be Okay With Letting Cancer Change Things For The Better

Cancer can be awkward, yes. But its also a way to hear stories of hope. Its a way to connect with people you would have otherwise never met. Its been a way for me to see people passionate about changes in the healthcare system, about you getting better, about you beating this thing. When you tell people you have cancer, they may tell you that you look great or that you sound amazing despite everything youre going through, and maybe you really need to hear that that day. They may share that their aunt or uncle or dad had it and they beat it and they are doing really well now. People whove lost loved ones suddenly have a space to share their story. Others will tell you what helped alleviate symptoms or remind you to ask questions you hadnt thought to ask. You will have advocates rooting for your recovery and cheering you on at every milestone.

One of the blessings of cancer is that, if we let it, it truly has the capacity to bring people together, of going deeper, of being more connected, and there is nothing awkward about that.