3 Addictions She Overcame: Food, Social Media, and Work

Bibs Story.

Emotion moves across Elizabeths heart-shaped face like clouds and sunshine on a windy day. Elizabeth, or Bibs, as family and friends know her, often interrupts herself while talking. Her speech is hurried and bright. Shes a 24-year-old, college-educated American. A mix of German, Portuguese, and Chamorro.

Were sitting in a Panera Bread. Ive got a notebook and a scratched-up recorder sitting on the table between us. Im holding a felt-tipped pen in my hand, writing in a large notebook. Elizabeth wraps her hands around a mug of hot water with a lemon in it, though she doesnt drink it.

This is my second time meeting Elizabeth; the first time I heard her speak to a large group of women at my local church, where she was giving a testimonial on her personal recovery from addiction and self-destructive habits.

I was so moved by her authenticity and bravery at talking about her personal challenges in front of people that I asked if she would let me interview her and write an article about her recovery process. Bibs response was an enthusiastic Yes.

I take a sip of my coffee; bite down into a glazed pastry and, chewing, lay it back on the plate. Amusement dances across Bibs smile like sunlight on water. Her brown, almond-shaped eyes smile back at me. She wears eye-catching earrings. Moving her hands to emphasize her points, she suddenly folds them into her lap with fleeting shyness.

Are you nervous? I ask, smiling.

Not really, she answers.

Bibs talks to me about the journey shes been on for the past two years, coming to terms with self-destructive habits that revolve around binge-eating, over-exercising, and being addicted to work. Bibs explains that she is recovering from those habits and building a new, healthy lifestyle. She understands what it means to have been in denial. She agreed enthusiastically to let me write about this chapter of her life so that other young womenother peoplemight know that they are not alone in their suffering. Through a series of breakthroughs, Bibs has learned how to use her struggles as catalysts for healing.

Shes prayed to God to let her story unfold, blossom, and spread wherever its meant to be seen and heard.

And every time she prays for that, it seems to reach more people.

It was a wintry weeknight night in 2017 when I first heard Elizabeth tell her story. I was seated at a plastic, circular table in a sea of others at my local church, spending time with my Bible study group. Our womens pastor introduced Bibs to the audience and explained that she was about to give a personal testimony. I watched Bibs get ready to speak.

I sat upright, feeling suddenly alert. I was excited to hear what she had to say.

There were mostly middle-aged and senior women present, with a smattering of younger women. Elizabeth was not a member of our weekly get-together, but was employed at the church as a financial accountant.

Apparently, a female pastor on staff knew that Bibs had been sharing her story more publicly and asked in advance if she would come and speak to our group.

Bibs gripped the microphone with both hands and began to talk.

On the inside, I used to feel like a monster, she confessed.

All eyes fixed on Elizabeth.

I held a metaphorical gun to my head, she told us. She might have been the youngest woman in the room, bravely standing up there, revealing her truth.

Pressure to work hard, pressure to exercise, pressure to be busy, pressure not to eat.

She explained that the turning point in her struggle was when she started to envision God as pure love instead of as a punishing figure. It was then that she was able to feel that same loving-kindness for herself, she said.

Bibs story was riveting and raw. We all broke out into applause, perhaps the loudest we had ever clapped.

Afterwards, we couldnt stop talking about Elizabeths story, and consequently, our own problems. One woman cried and said, Im over 60 years old and Ive never been able to deal with my insecurity the way that young woman is doing. She is so real.

Back at Panera, Bibs is explaining to me the details that originally drove her to break down, let go of the gun, and get help for herself. It was two Christmases ago, she says, and she had binge-eaten a box of oranges earlier in the day. She felt awful afterwards and it was preventing her from enjoying the holiday.

I was overwhelmed. I couldnt get what I had done out of my head, she said.

Historically, her disordered eating had been an issue that fluctuated over time.

It escalated in college and got really bad there, she remembers. There were moments when I was okay with it or I blocked it out. I had shared bits and pieces of my disorder with close friends and family along the way, but had never really shared the full story, maybe because I wasnt totally aware of it. When youre in itits hard to tell if its normal or not.

But in the car ride home from Christmas Eve service with her parents that day, she burst out crying.

In my head I was like, no God. Please, no. Dont make me do this. But in my head I knew, Youre crying now, you have to say why. It was because I felt terrible about this. And I knew at that moment, like, this isnt good, she said.

That was the night Elizabeth came out of denial and acknowledged fully that she had a problem with disordered eating.

My family noticed I was crying. They asked what was wrong, and the first thing I said was, I think I have a problem. I said things I had never even written before. Like everything. Total word vomit. Like, sometimes I eat a lot of things at night and I dont think I should and sometimes I wont eat a lot because I feel bad about it and sometimes I exercise too much, I think, because Ill have heart palpitations.

Despite the difficulty of it, telling the whole truth was a milestone in Bibs recovery process.

I said I needed help. I didnt know exactly what that looked like.

The fireplace in Panera is emitting heat and I pause the recorder to remove my sweatshirt. We rearrange a few things on the table, take a deep breath and smile at each other, then begin recording and talking again.

Bibs tells me that the process of creating a healthy lifestyle is an ongoing, lifelong process, not a quick fix. One of the greatest lessons shes learned is that getting whats in her head out is critical to staying healthy. Talking to her therapist and sharing her story with other people, for instance, through her blog , keeps her honest about what her addictions are and how to deal with impulses when they arise. She says the painful things we keep locked in our mind, like shame, have the potential to fester and grow.

I spent my whole life up to that point on Christmas Eve trying to hide. I never wanted anyone to know my problems. I wanted to look perfect to the world.

Therapy and support groups are huge for healing, she emphasizes. They are safe spaces that are crucial to being able to get out whatever is bottled up inside of you, to be reassured that you are okay and not alone, and to discuss how to move forward with grace and hope.

Likewise, being able to visualize and then articulate her desire for a healthy and happy lifestyle has been critical to Bibs in manifesting her dreams.

You have these dreams in your head that like, kind of just sit there and are eventually drowned out by other things. Whereas, if we would just speak the dreams to life they would be there in front of us, and we could tend to them and grow them and make them a thing.

But Bibs clarifies something for me.

Before she came clean with her family and sought professional help, she tried to heal on her own. During that period, she viewed healing as a done or not done state of being.

She said saw things in black-and-white. This hampered her ability to grow, because it perpetuated a feeling of self-loathing every time addictive impulses returned. Anytime she experienced a negative thought, she said to herself, Nope! Clearly Im not healed! I thought I was free, but I just had the urge to binge so obviously I am not free.

Bibs said this kind of thinking kept her in chains, and she continued to relapse under the pressure she placed on herself to be perfectly healed.

During these times, there were predictable patterns of self-sabotage that played out in a cycle, day after day. She would work long hours, get home and, to avoid feeling lonely, indulge in her other addiction to social media, spending hours on Facebook . Sometimes she would over-eat, then wake up early, over-exercise or not eat, and begin a day of work again. Staying busy all the time falsely affirmed her sense of self, Bibs told me, because it allowed her to escape from negative feelings. When she stayed busy, she was lauded as a hero. Friends praised her for working hard or commiserated with her, and that felt good, she said.

But in her new job as an accountant at the church, her colleagues voiced a different response when Bibs complained about being so busy. They lovingly reprimanded her. They counseled her to slow down, to feel Gods love for her, and to talk to someone.

They encouraged Bibs to consider another perspective that didnt involve over-working.

Growing up, Bibs perspective was that God was a rule-maker and that the choices we make are judged by God and are either right or wrong. Black or white. This mentality echoed her black-and-white thinking that contributed to her addictions as a young adult. Today, however, she views God as unconditionally loving, as shown through, according to ChristiansGods redemptive son Jesus Christ. Bibs views herself as unconditionally loved by God. The tenderness and love that she feels God extends to her is something that Bibs extends to herself.

Theres a voice of resilience and solidarity in my head now that chimes in anytime I experience a lingering doubt or thought that Im not okay the way I am. I attribute the voice to God and actually feel comfortable referring to the voice as the Holy Spirit. It has freed me from a lot of fear relating to what I may hear from within or outside myself. Gods voice inside me is always louder now.

After coming clean with her family, Elizabeth took the step of seeking help through important resources such as therapy, podcasts and books. Shes also made concrete changes, getting rid of certain social media accounts and going to counseling regularly. Currently, shes studying to become a naturopathic doctor and sharing her recovery story with others. Bibs says she has grown to understand that healing is recognizing that there will always be lingering voices or thoughts of fear in her head that mimic how she used to think.

But healing for Bibs is recognizing that just because those thoughts are there, doesnt mean they are true, nor do they have any power over her. Healing is actually allowing those negative thoughts and feelings to live where they do, even listening to them from time to time and hearing what they have to say. Bibs continues to get it all out by giving voice to how she is doing, both to people and on paper. She sees the healing process as a journey and she is content to approach it one day at a time.

Bibs gets up to add more hot water to her mug. She returns to the table and takes a sip.

I ask Elizabeth if her struggle with an eating disorder, over-working, and social media addiction are problems that many millennials suffer with in todays society. She says she thinks so.

We are literally told left and right that there is something wrong with us, unless we buy this product or look this way, Bibs explains. It has created an epidemic of insecurity.

On that cold night at church, I tell Bibs, by bravely describing your over-eating and personal struggles you acted as an agent of transformation. You inspired us to look at our own pain and to open up to one another, I say.

Life is hard either way, she shrugs. Pain is a part of life. You might as well make it a good kind of pain.

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