Five Relationship Questions You Never Thought Youd Ask - But You Should

As a therapist, I ask a lot of questions. Its my job. But just like everyone else on the planet, I have to try out and test new things at my job. I confess, sometimes I make up make up questions on the spot just to see if theyll spark a new conversation. When I do that, its because Im certain the couple in front of me has never considered what might be outside their own thinking.

Couples, people, you, me - were notorious for getting stuck in our own certainty about things. In the therapy world, these certainties are called scripts or loops. We run them in our heads easily and comfortably, but the result is that our relationships are harder and more complicated.

Imagine, just for a second, all the questions you think a therapist might ask. I promise you...Ive asked all of them. If Im honest, I think most of them are boring. And the fact that you just thought of them makes them even more so. But what if the questions you asked werent boring. What if they were truly inspiring?

Here are a handful of questions* that may help you break the loops youre inclined to enter. Maybe theyll be a little less boring and even inspire you to more intimacy and connection.

• What color is it? What color is what? Does it matter? Think of your most inspiring moment from childhood. What color was that? What does it mean? Think of your toughest moment from your most recent job search. What color was that? Whats up with your relationship these days? What color is that? Next time youre in a discussion about your life and circumstances, ask, What color is it? Then ask What does that mean? Ideally the answer will allow both of you to become more aware of the actual feelings that are in play and can open you both up to a more intimate exploration of the emotion itself.

• Who was your best friend in fourth grade? For me it was Adam. In 4th grade he was more my nemesis than my friend. Indeed, we were frenemies through most of our school days. But, we went through a lot together. Today he simultaneously one of my most infrequent and most loyal friends. We have a ton of stories. Some of them shaped me profoundly. Some of them are just stories. Fourth grade is a formative time in a persons life. Some social psychologists argue that its the year we transition from childish innocence to semi-awareness. In any case, it shapes us. My wife knows many of my Adam stories, and while many of them are irrelevant, all of them lead us to greater intimacy.

• Whats your best story about a roller coaster? Roller coaster is underlined for a reason. Put any other word in that spot - whatever it is - it doesnt matter. Being a deeply connected couple isnt just about knowing the darkest secrets of your heart. Its about storytelling. But its more than the story youre telling about roller coasters, or giraffes, or umbrellas, or a concert, or cigars, or failure, or sex, or. Its mostly the story youre telling about your partner. Whats your best story about your partner? Whats the best? What if they were the same? The work of relationship is managing the stories youre telling and then working to make the best stories true.

• What do we do about the money fairy? It wontt come as any surprise to learn that money and finances is one of the most common arguments for couples. I think thats because couples tend to focus more on math than meaning. Imagine that tonight, while youre sleeping, a money fairy comes in and sprinkles magic dust on you. Then tomorrow, when you wake up, and without any change in your lifestyle at all, your cash-flow has increased by 20%, what will you do with that extra money? What about if the dust backfired and your cash-flow decreased by 20%, what would you cut out? The answer to these questions reveal a little bit of your priorities and can also help you sharpen your goals.

• What is the greatest rock band of all time? Is it the Rolling Stones or the Beatles? Which superpower would you rather have? Invisibility or flight? Is it more important to brush or to floss? Dont forget to have fun. Play is a really important part of any relationship and sometimes you need to debate the mundane, especially when the consequences are low and there really isnt a right answer. Being right in a relationship is overrated. There is no shortage of rock band debates. The ones Im thinking of will definitely date me (Im older than you): Were Ross and Rachel actually on a break? Is OJ guilty or innocent? Ginger or Mary Ann? If none of those resonate, what might? What are the silly, inconsequential debates that will help you practice engaging in the heavier issues?

I bet you never thought to ask any of those questions...at least not as an effort to improve your relationship. Well...good. That was my hope.

A great relationship isnt just a given. Its earned. Learned. The only way to learn about anything is to ask questions. But not the same questions. You have to ask the new ones...the ones you thought youd never ask.

*This article is adapted from the free eBook 20 Questions for Deeper Connection , which you can find at www.forBetter.us .