Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) September 2, 2024"}">My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) September 2, 2024
There are people who think the sell by date means the item is still good after that date, and there are people who think it means you have to throw it away that day, and they marry each other and fight about it constantly.
Hollie Harris (@allholls) September 1, 2024"}">There are people who think the sell by date means the item is still good after that date, and there are people who think it means you have to throw it away that day, and they marry each other and fight about it constantly.
Hollie Harris (@allholls) September 1, 2024
My mother-in-law gifted me a Gwyneth Paltrow cookbook and on a scale of 1 to 10 how passive aggressive is it if I re-gift it back to her?
krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 3, 2024"}">My mother-in-law gifted me a Gwyneth Paltrow cookbook and on a scale of 1 to 10 how passive aggressive is it if I re-gift it back to her?
krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 3, 2024
All I Need Is A Miracle is my favorite song about carpooling to work with my wife and trying to be on time.
Dad Moon Rising (@raoulvilla) September 2, 2024"}">All I Need Is A Miracle is my favorite song about carpooling to work with my wife and trying to be on time.
Dad Moon Rising (@raoulvilla) September 2, 2024
my wife: if you were single I think you'd have trouble taking care of yourself.
me: well last time I was single I got you to sleep with me so I think I'd be alright.
my wife: if you were single I think you'd have trouble taking care of yourself.
Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 2, 2024
me: well last time I was single I got you to sleep with me so I think I'd be alright.
My husband immediately took the trash out when I asked him to and my 3 year old said, Im so proud of you for listening.
Seems like my job here is done.
My husband immediately took the trash out when I asked him to and my 3 year old said, Im so proud of you for listening.
One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 31, 2024
Seems like my job here is done.
Recently got the best drivers license photo of my life and I had to go and ruin it by getting married.
your other mom (@difficultpatty) August 30, 2024"}">Recently got the best drivers license photo of my life and I had to go and ruin it by getting married.
your other mom (@difficultpatty) August 30, 2024
My husband kindly bought an *electric drum set and uses headphones. So instead of middle school percussion class it just sounds like Noah is building an ark
mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 29, 2024"}">My husband kindly bought an *electric drum set and uses headphones. So instead of middle school percussion class it just sounds like Noah is building an ark
mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 29, 2024
I didn't even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.
Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 28, 2024"}">I didn't even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.
Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 28, 2024
When my wife runs out of an item, she goes to her closet and opens it up and retrieves a brand new item. Shampoo, conditioner, face wash, toothpaste, lotion, you name it. Its the most grown-up behavior I have ever consistently witnessed. She is never without any of her items!
Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 2, 2024"}">When my wife runs out of an item, she goes to her closet and opens it up and retrieves a brand new item. Shampoo, conditioner, face wash, toothpaste, lotion, you name it. Its the most grown-up behavior I have ever consistently witnessed. She is never without any of her items!
Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 2, 2024
Gave my husband a kiss and he yelled in pain as Id also stood on his toe.
Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) September 3, 2024"}">Gave my husband a kiss and he yelled in pain as Id also stood on his toe.
Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) September 3, 2024
Wife gave me my first parallel parking lesson and I only cried twice
N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky (@DrSpooky_ER) August 27, 2024"}">Wife gave me my first parallel parking lesson and I only cried twice
N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky (@DrSpooky_ER) August 27, 2024
wifes secretary: shes in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: theres a cricket in da house
wifes secretary: shes in a meeting but I can take a message
brent (@murrman5) August 27, 2024
me out of breath: theres a cricket in da house
Me: (calling my Wife from a grocer) I got bread, veggies... uh, I'm just now seeing they've got Halloween stuff up
Wife: it's not even September! That's upsetting!
Me:
Wife:
Me: Do you want me to bring you home a Reese's Pumpkin?
Wife: see if they've got a 6 pack of them
Me: (calling my Wife from a grocer) I got bread, veggies... uh, I'm just now seeing they've got Halloween stuff up
Michael Vogel (@MichaelVogel1) August 27, 2024
Wife: it's not even September! That's upsetting!
Me:
Wife:
Me: Do you want me to bring you home a Reese's Pumpkin?
Wife: see if they've got a 6 pack of them
MY DOG SNORING: awww look at the sleepy baby, probably chasing rabbits or running around the beach, my perfect little angel face I love you so
MY HUSBAND SNORING: this motherf
MY DOG SNORING: awww look at the sleepy baby, probably chasing rabbits or running around the beach, my perfect little angel face I love you so
Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) August 27, 2024
MY HUSBAND SNORING: this motherf
If I think the outfit my wifes wearing to work doesnt match I cant say anything, right?
Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) September 3, 2024"}">If I think the outfit my wifes wearing to work doesnt match I cant say anything, right?
Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) September 3, 2024
A boy was looking at me so my wife said \"maybe you look like a famous athlete,\" then the kid's mom said \"sorry, he thinks you look like his uncle who died of a heart attack last week.\"
Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 29, 2024"}">A boy was looking at me so my wife said "maybe you look like a famous athlete," then the kid's mom said "sorry, he thinks you look like his uncle who died of a heart attack last week."
Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 29, 2024
One of my husband's useless talents is pointing out every Tesla he sees on the road and telling me what model it is.
Hollie Harris (@allholls) August 29, 2024"}">One of my husband's useless talents is pointing out every Tesla he sees on the road and telling me what model it is.
Hollie Harris (@allholls) August 29, 2024
My husband just asked my dad for book recommendations about Napoleon, thereby unlocking a new level of dadness
meghan (@deloisivete) August 31, 2024"}">My husband just asked my dad for book recommendations about Napoleon, thereby unlocking a new level of dadness
meghan (@deloisivete) August 31, 2024
Here's a little song I wrote about my wife trying to get ready for work while my daughter is getting ready for school it's called \"Two Women Screaming at Each Other in the Bathroom at 6 AM\" and a one and a two
Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 28, 2024"}">Here's a little song I wrote about my wife trying to get ready for work while my daughter is getting ready for school it's called "Two Women Screaming at Each Other in the Bathroom at 6 AM" and a one and a two
Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 28, 2024
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