Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with talkersis like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 25, 2024"}">Watching my husband try to get off the phone with talkersis like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 25, 2024
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: its really spicy you wont like it
Husband: can I have a taste?
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) September 24, 2024
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: its really spicy you wont like it
So glad my father-in-law visited today because I've really been wanting to talk about the gas prices in 1973.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 30, 2024"}">So glad my father-in-law visited today because I've really been wanting to talk about the gas prices in 1973.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 30, 2024
Told my wife it's been 4 days and my wrist still smells like the cologne I tested. She gave me a long, blank stare and said, "You sprayed your watch band, that's what you're smelling" in case anyone was wondering who has the brains in our relationship
— Dad Moon Rising (@raoulvilla) September 24, 2024"}">Told my wife it's been 4 days and my wrist still smells like the cologne I tested. She gave me a long, blank stare and said, "You sprayed your watch band, that's what you're smelling" in case anyone was wondering who has the brains in our relationship
— Dad Moon Rising (@raoulvilla) September 24, 2024
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 30, 2024"}">The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 30, 2024
My wife's favorite way to declutter the house is to throw everything in my office
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 30, 2024"}">My wife's favorite way to declutter the house is to throw everything in my office
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 30, 2024
Wife: Can you wake me up at 3pm, Im taking a nap?
Me: Why dont you set an alarm?
Wife: I cant stand the alarm noise.
Me: Oh, but me waking you up is fine?
Wife: It gives me an opportunity to be mad at you.
Wife: Can you wake me up at 3pm, Im taking a nap?
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 27, 2024
Me: Why dont you set an alarm?
Wife: I cant stand the alarm noise.
Me: Oh, but me waking you up is fine?
Wife: It gives me an opportunity to be mad at you.
Cat got overstimulated and chomped onto my leg and my wife shook her head and said Shes been watching too many Moo Deng videos.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 25, 2024"}">Cat got overstimulated and chomped onto my leg and my wife shook her head and said Shes been watching too many Moo Deng videos.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 25, 2024
i cant really explain this, but my husband looks like a young victorian child dying from the plague when he sleeps
— SluttyNurseBrianCostume (@rn_murse) September 29, 2024"}">i cant really explain this, but my husband looks like a young victorian child dying from the plague when he sleeps
— SluttyNurseBrianCostume (@rn_murse) September 29, 2024
My wife brushes her teeth with hot water, and every morning I have to fight the urge to call the police. I feel like Im aiding and abetting a fugitive.
— (@MoMohler) September 26, 2024"}">My wife brushes her teeth with hot water, and every morning I have to fight the urge to call the police. I feel like Im aiding and abetting a fugitive.
— (@MoMohler) September 26, 2024
Promising I wont tell anyone your secret doesnt include my husband. Hes basically my diary.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 27, 2024"}">Promising I wont tell anyone your secret doesnt include my husband. Hes basically my diary.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 27, 2024
Scary Halloween costume idea for my wife:
Just walking around with a tape measure asking if this is a load bearing wall.
Scary Halloween costume idea for my wife:
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 25, 2024
Just walking around with a tape measure asking if this is a load bearing wall.
My husband, who has been golfing all day, called me on his way home & had the audacity to ask what was for dinner so I hung up on him, just like any good wife would do.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 26, 2024"}">My husband, who has been golfing all day, called me on his way home & had the audacity to ask what was for dinner so I hung up on him, just like any good wife would do.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 26, 2024
Im such a hater I just saw a couple kiss on the train and I rolled my eyes
Like damn Jay dont you got a husband
Im such a hater I just saw a couple kiss on the train and I rolled my eyes
— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) September 25, 2024
Like damn Jay dont you got a husband
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, "you are really cute . . . do you think we're cute too?"
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 24, 2024"}">I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, "you are really cute . . . do you think we're cute too?"
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 24, 2024
Me: *winning scrabble*
Husband: HOW?!
Me: Luck of the bra, baby!
Husband: You mean luck of the draw?
Me: No. *reveals bedazzled bra strap*
Me: *winning scrabble*
— Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) September 26, 2024
Husband: HOW?!
Me: Luck of the bra, baby!
Husband: You mean luck of the draw?
Me: No. *reveals bedazzled bra strap*
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) September 26, 2024"}">My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) September 26, 2024
Im a good deal taller than my husband so for Halloween this year were going as the most terrifying thing I can imagine: two books from the same series
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) September 29, 2024"}">Im a good deal taller than my husband so for Halloween this year were going as the most terrifying thing I can imagine: two books from the same series
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) September 29, 2024
At the grocery store but forgot my wife's list so I guess I'll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 30, 2024"}">At the grocery store but forgot my wife's list so I guess I'll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 30, 2024
I ordered an XL iced coffee because I only slept two hours. When it arrived, it was like five full gallons of iced coffee and my wife goes, Babe, please do not drink all of that in one go. I really like you being alive.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 29, 2024"}">I ordered an XL iced coffee because I only slept two hours. When it arrived, it was like five full gallons of iced coffee and my wife goes, Babe, please do not drink all of that in one go. I really like you being alive.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 29, 2024
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