Watching my husband try to get off the phone with talkersis like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 25, 2024

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: its really spicy you wont like it

Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) September 24, 2024

So glad my father-in-law visited today because I've really been wanting to talk about the gas prices in 1973.

Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 30, 2024

Told my wife it's been 4 days and my wrist still smells like the cologne I tested. She gave me a long, blank stare and said, "You sprayed your watch band, that's what you're smelling" in case anyone was wondering who has the brains in our relationship

Dad Moon Rising (@raoulvilla) September 24, 2024

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 30, 2024

My wife's favorite way to declutter the house is to throw everything in my office

Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 30, 2024

Wife: Can you wake me up at 3pm, Im taking a nap?

Me: Why dont you set an alarm?

Wife: I cant stand the alarm noise.

Me: Oh, but me waking you up is fine?

Wife: It gives me an opportunity to be mad at you.

My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 27, 2024

Cat got overstimulated and chomped onto my leg and my wife shook her head and said Shes been watching too many Moo Deng videos.

Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 25, 2024

i cant really explain this, but my husband looks like a young victorian child dying from the plague when he sleeps

SluttyNurseBrianCostume (@rn_murse) September 29, 2024

My wife brushes her teeth with hot water, and every morning I have to fight the urge to call the police. I feel like Im aiding and abetting a fugitive.

(@MoMohler) September 26, 2024

Promising I wont tell anyone your secret doesnt include my husband. Hes basically my diary.

sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 27, 2024

Scary Halloween costume idea for my wife:
Just walking around with a tape measure asking if this is a load bearing wall.

Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 25, 2024

My husband, who has been golfing all day, called me on his way home & had the audacity to ask what was for dinner so I hung up on him, just like any good wife would do.

Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 26, 2024

Im such a hater I just saw a couple kiss on the train and I rolled my eyes

Like damn Jay dont you got a husband

The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) September 25, 2024

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, "you are really cute . . . do you think we're cute too?"

Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 24, 2024

Me: *winning scrabble*

Husband: HOW?!

Me: Luck of the bra, baby!

Husband: You mean luck of the draw?

Me: No. *reveals bedazzled bra strap*

Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) September 26, 2024

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) September 26, 2024

Im a good deal taller than my husband so for Halloween this year were going as the most terrifying thing I can imagine: two books from the same series

Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) September 29, 2024

At the grocery store but forgot my wife's list so I guess I'll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 30, 2024

I ordered an XL iced coffee because I only slept two hours. When it arrived, it was like five full gallons of iced coffee and my wife goes, Babe, please do not drink all of that in one go. I really like you being alive.

Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 29, 2024