Im giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but hes not doing anything about it so I guess Im going to have to deal with it because hes my kid too or whatever

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My son just informed me its illegal for 9 year olds to eat broccoli.

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My son and my little sister (she's 8) ripped open a bean bag chair to see what's inside. It made a huge mess. She wrote us this note and showed it to us before the big reveal pic.twitter.com/pS8dNbv7NY

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Before becoming a parent I never knew that the way you cut a peanut butter sandwich could be embarrassing to your child

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Now that my kid is in high school, Im trying to be his silent sideline support system, but last night he told me his English teacher is making him put 2 spaces after a period, and HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT INTERVENE?!?

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Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their schools lost and found section

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kids are such tiny little CEOs, I just brought my 5 year old the wrong kind of string cheese and she was like WHAT IS THIS TRASH

ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 23, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"ely kreimendahl","author_url":"https://twitter.com/ElyKreimendahl","cache_age":86400,"description":"kids are such tiny little CEOs, I just brought my 5 year old the wrong kind of string cheese and she was like WHAT IS THIS TRASH ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 23, 2023\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"ely kreimendahl on Twitter / 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Preschool wants us to print out photos a make a collage of all our family members, which is actually an impossible task bc printing out photos is impossible but I went to CVS, fought with the photo machine and DID IT. Got home, the 3yo was like \"you forgot a photo of the snail\"

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My toddler calls my siblings Uncle Toe and Aunt Cake and I hope he calls them that until the end of time.

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my kid isn't watching a cartoon about cartoon dogs who are EMT's unless it is made clear to viewers which of the dogs have dicks https://t.co/g9dYf8crOU

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My teen said Im annoying but not the most annoying person shes ever met and that sounds like a challenge to me.

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And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

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my gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn't smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don't know how I'm supposed to alert the rival dads when I'm beating them to cutting the grass

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I dont understand people who dont have kids. What do they do in their spare time? Relax? Enjoy peace and quiet? Finish a complete thought???

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last night 8 told me while crying that his excuse for why he can't go to bed was because he \"forgot\" how to go to sleep.

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[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don't worry, you can sleep. I'm making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I'm up.

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My 6yo said he doesnt want a birthday party next year. He just wants his friends to come to our house, drop off some presents and leave. I think hes completed his metamorphosis into an introvert.

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Sex ed for teens should include loading kids, stroller, and groceries/sports equipment into the car while its pouring rain.

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My 5yo got some Pokmon cards and neither of us knows how to play, so were just taking turns putting cards down until we run out and I declare him the winner

meghan (@deloisivete) September 24, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"meghan","author_url":"https://twitter.com/deloisivete","cache_age":86400,"description":"My 5yo got some Pokmon cards and neither of us knows how to play, so were just taking turns putting cards down until we run out and I declare him the winner meghan (@deloisivete) September 24, 2023\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"meghan on Twitter / 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